Rules to Live By

Matthew Ch 7 Vs. 7-8 'Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you. For everyone who asks receives; he who seeks finds; and to him who knocks, the door will be opened to."

Most people right now during the holiday season are bustling about shopping trying to finish their lists of items they know their relatives will want to see under the tree. The kids are sitting at the dining room table asking Santa for toys and maybe for some things to be delivered for mom and dad since they love them so much. The stores are blasting away items that will be now put on sale because there are only so many days left until Christmas...time is ticking...shop now! The entire process can require some to be put on high blood pressure meds or drive some to start a habit of having a cocktail or two just to calm themselves down. The season is wonderful with all of those things mentioned above; however, I have found this season my list of requests are not to Santa or to my family, but they are to God.
The things I hope for are not made in China or can be delivered by UPS, although I do love a nice pair of sunglasses or box of yummy chocolates. The one who can deliver them is God. However, I need to ask Him for these things. These wonderful things that will give my body, mind, and spirit the balance it needs to get through the rest of my long life. There are only five things I am asking for and here they are...

Knowledge
Patience
Wisdom
Love
Understanding

These things I will practice each day...kind of like yoga...one may never be perfect at it but it is the practice that makes it wonderful.
The definitions of these goes as follows....

Knowledge: In God and in Faith. Faith in God is what will help me through life and ultimately enter me into Heaven with God, not necessarily good acts.
Patience: In God's Promises...which leads me to needing to have Faith.
Wisdom: In God's Word and in facing situations that seem bigger than myself; however, no problem is greater than He.
Love: to help others and to be a witness of love because that is what God is...He is Love...couldn't this world use a bit more of it?
Understanding: Understanding through Faith and guidance from God. Also to have understanding of others in this world.
We may not be able to change others who can disappoint us or make us sad or angry, we may not be able to change situations but if we have understanding from God then it will lead us to accept all things which leads us back to Love, Wisdom, Patience, and Knowledge.
The body is a machine that is made up mind, body and spirit. In order for it to work all of these things need to be connected and balanced. If you ask God for these five things this Christmas it will ultimately connect the three main components that make you thrive and live with God. It will make your world a  more peaceful and acceptable place.
As those who dash out to the crowded shopping malls with good intentions this weekend and to those who are planning sumptuous meals to serve to the tired wore out family having traveled many miles for this holiday let us all love one another and have patience and understanding...and of course acceptance for who each of us are. Amen.

Uncertainties

Trust in the Lord with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding. Proverbs 3:5

Panic, confusion, despair...these things I felt all of this week as the doctor's collaborated on trying to figure out what to do with me. I am an unusual case...cancer came back but in the collarbone region. How is that possible? What do we do? Surgery? Radiation? Chemotherapy? How about all of the above?
My doctor called with my scan results and mentioned there are two areas in my neck that need to be annihilated. I was so ecstatic to hear that it had not spread to a distant area in my body, in particular my organs. However, we only had so much time before that would occur. The doctor told me he needed to figure out some things then would get back to me the very next day.
I was so excited to know it was probably going to be an easy fix, surgery remove the nodes then a little bit of radiation and chemo. Whew! Easy piece of cake!
Well I was wrong...very wrong.
A couple of days later I was at lunch with a friend when my phone rang a couple of times. The first time it was my doctors' nurse scheduling for me to come in to see him the next day. I told her that I could not come in because I had my son, I do not take my son to doctors appointments. She said in a harsh tone, "We are trying to save your life, please figure out something quick." My heart pounded...the panic started to creep in. I said, "Ok well I cannot come in at that time, please figure out another time that afternoon." She hung up and later called me with an evening appointment.
My friend meanwhile was talking to me about looking into other treatment facilities, yet my mind was hung up on what the nurse had said, "We are trying to save your life." Very scary.
My phone rang again it was the chemotherapy lounge nurse, "Hi we have you down for this Friday at 1:30 for your first infusion." I was stumped, what about surgery? Radiation? "Uh OK." I said confused. I got off the phone and looked at my friend dumbfounded, "What the heck is going on." She encouraged me to go home and call my doctor and then insisted I call this other facility. I suddenly just lost it, as I put my tip on the table I said to her and to myself, "You know all I wanted was a nice lunch not cancer talk." I got up and walked out of the restaurant and went to the elevators to get me to the parking garage. My friend came after me and asked, "Are you OK?" I was crying by this point and said, "No I am not, you at least get to go home to your family and not worry about things like this...I just want a day off!" I was frustrated and of course my hormones were being shut off again so it did not help.
I remember sitting outside with her crying helplessly, something was wrong, my doctor was going to tell me something bad. I just knew it.
As I drove home my phone rang and it was another doctor's office scheduling me for a second opinion. Before I took the call I noticed I was behing a truck that said, "Jesus is the reason for the season." To me that was a sign...always is. The phone rang and the assistant to one of the main oncologists from a local university was on the other end. She had an appointment for me right before I was to drive up to see my oncologist. It is amazing how things work out.
I got home and called my oncologist still quite confused about why I was not being offered surgery and radiation. If we were only going the chemo route that scared me. That means I only have so many more options left in this battle.
My doctor answered and said, "We are going to try to shrink down the areas first, then radiation." I did not like what I was hearing...leave the cancer in my body? Doesn't that mean it can spread while trying to treat it...what if the medicine does not work? I was scared and mad.
"What about surgery?" I asked him...he brushed it off with, "Too many spots for that we have to start treatment now."
We got off the phone and I sat there wondering why I was not offered surgery first. I decided to call a head and neck surgeon to see what their opinion might be.
I got through to a head and neck surgeon in fact he was head of the department and knows my husband. He had looked at my scan and looked at my report and his answer was, "We can operate, I can have you in the OR next week but I think you have a larger problem at hand here." I listened to him slowly starting to feel fear creep in, "You have several lymph nodes involved not just two and you have to get medicine into your system...surgery would just prolong it." So he could operate, it would be a tough operation but I figured out surgery is not always the answer to these problems.
I thanked him for his time and sat down stumped, I am terminal? Is that what I am? How can that be when it is not in an organ but in a place that can be taken out of.
My husband called me next, "Honey is this a bad situation" I asked him.
He paused and said, "You are in a tough spot, if the medicine does not work then yes it is not good." I started to cry. I asked him, "Would you consider  me terminal?" He calmed me down and said, "No you are not terminal we just need to shrink those areas down." I felt better but still I did not trust these meds...they did not work before how are they going to work again. I felt like maybe the other doctor, the second opinion would be able to help us or give us a better solution.

The next day we went to our first doctor's visit for the second opinion. I was quite nervous for i had heard this doctor is tough and is a woman who is quite direct. I think the women in the medical field can be more tough than the men.
We got called in and waited until she finally came into the room. She was a lovely tall woman who had a certain sharpness about her. She went over my report and then asked, "Has anyone called you stage iv yet? " I looked at her stumped, "Uh No." She made a "Hmmm" noise as she looked at my paperwork. I told her, "My doctor still considers me early and that this is a regional recurrence. He would like to treat with chemo first." She stopped and kinda looked at me funny and said, "Well we shall see about that." She examined me and then said, "I would want a CT Scan done on you although you have already had a scan I am sure the CT will bring up cancer in areas the PET did not show." I froze in fear, "What?" I asked and looked at my husband...he knew the lingo better than me.
"I thought the PET was a good scan." I said. She nodded and said, "It is but the CT will get an even closer look at your organs and more than likely this has spread to those areas and is not showing up on the PET." She then said, "You are considered non-responsive to the meds, you had the toughest meds and it came back less than six months after treatment. You are very resistant and to try another chemo does not give you a good chance it will get the cells." I felt hopeless.
"I would remove your ovaries and then put you on a anti hormone drug." She then looked up from her computer and said, "Why put yourself through the chemo again...it is tough to endure." I did not argue with her and wondered if she was right. I was going to remove my ovaries anyhow.
"You have a nasty cancer and it is aggressive, you have to make the right choice." She then said she was going to call my doctor to talk with him about the treatment plan. We waited..I looked at my husband, "I thought the PET scan was good." He looked irritated, "It is...don't worry about it if something were there it would show up."
The doctor knew my oncologist well, they had worked together for many years...she came back into the room, "Well I spoke with Jon and he is certain the treatment plan is the way to go...I think that is fine." I was confused, she had changed her tune. She sat down, "Early stage situations like yours are tough because we have to figure out the right way." She was all of a sudden calling me early stage. She looked at me, "Just know the meds he is giving you I would not offer, one in particular the FDA is no longer wanting to be used in breast cancer so there is a risk." I nodded. We wrapped up our session with her and walked out of the office. I was confused, did God want me to go with her advice or was my doctor the better option? As we were walking into the lobby a wooden sign hung up on the way said, "Faith" right next to the exit door. It was a sign I needed to use my faith. Trust God. Do not lean on my own understanding.
The drive up was rainy and we were picking apart what the doctor said. It was good information and I knew what we needed to do. As we drove up I kept seeing crosses on the back of cars and fish stickers. One car said "Fumigation Necessary!" With a cross next to it. I thought, "well if that is not a sign what is?" I was confused as to what to do but I need to allow God to control the situation.
We saw my doctor and he is hoping to shrink the tumors down, he is using meds that the FDA recently pulled but he believes in them so much he is willing to use them on me.
"If we can get the tumors down then we can radiate them." He said to me. He has hope...I need to follow that hope.
"You will need to have your ovaries removed once we are finished." He confirmed. I was OK with that. If I were to have another baby it would kill me. It would not be fair to my husband or my son.
We left feeling more hopeful although I was hesitant about the meds...however, got to lean not on my understanding but God's.
The next day we drove up to receive my first chemo treatment. I was not scared or fearful...I felt calm. I put my emotions and uncertainties on God. We pulled up to the parking lot and as we got out I started to feel a bit of dread, is this the right thing to do? I  got out of the car looked at the car next to me and in the side passenger window hung a red cross. It was right in front of my line of vision. It is a sign, this is what I need to do.
The last part of this story happens in the lounge. We are waiting to be let in for my treatment. I see a stack of local newspapers to read. I pick one up and on the front cover is a photo of the WWII plane that dropped the bombs in Japan. Those bombs saved my grandfather's life. He was on his way to the mainland after having fought on the island of Okinawa for several weeks. I was dumbfounded, I often compare my fight with my grandfather's fight. I even told my husband a couple of weeks prior that we need the bombs that saved my grandfather's life to drop for my life to be saved, meaning the same situation to occur...my grandfather was writing out his will as the boats headed to the mainland Japan. He knew if they had to fight the battle there he did not have a chance. The bombs dropped and he was saved. In fact, my grandmother, his wife, was part of the project that created those bombs. Now here I am staring at a story about the plane that dropped those bombs. It was an odd coincidence. Please tell me this is a sign this med is the bomb that will kill these tumors and I can be spared.
All in good time...only God knows and I will lean on him.

24 Hours to Live

Matthew 6: 27-29 Can all your worries add a single moment to your life? And why worry about your clothing? Look at the lilies of the field and how they grow. They don't work or make their clothing, yet Soloman in all his glory was not dressed as beautifully as they are."

As we start our new battle and the ammunition is being evaluated and ordered I am coming to terms with my new life. I used to be a 'regular person'. What do I mean by 'regular person'? Well, I mean that I used to drive home in traffic and groan about how late I was going to be for class or getting somewhere important. I used to plan the weekends on Tuesday afternoons and think about all the things that needed to get done around the house. I did not have to worry about wearing a hat to cover my head because my hair was long and I could brush it, now it is just a big ball of fuzz. I used to complain about the small stuff and hold grudges against those that really did not need to be made such a deal about. I lost friendships because of my near sightedness. I was human and I am still human, just with a chronic condition.
I went to see my counselor today and she asked me, "How can you live with the idea of having terminal cancer." I looked at her alarmed, "I don't have terminal cancer." I replied.
She nodded and said, "I know but what if you did, how would you react to that information?"
I sat there stumped. I then replied, "Well I guess then I would just deal with it." I then realized there are many people living with terminal illness's like cancer today that are 'regular people' too. They just have to stay on top of their physical well being.
I never used to have to worry about my physical self. I used to complain about gaining weight here or there but for the most part I could eat whatever and be whatever.
My counselor then asked, "What if you only had 24 hours to live, what would you do?" I thought about it and replied, "I would take my family to Disneyland and eat all the best food possible and enjoy myself." I then started to cry, she said, "Then you need to do that now, even if you are not terminally ill, you need to live your life even with this hanging over your head."
I started to cry and said, "I did do that and have been doing that, in fact we took my son to Disneyland this summer." I laughed and said, "Everyone kept telling my husband, he is too young to wait another couple of years but we don't have the luxury to do that." My counselor then prodded me, "Do you think anyone really has the luxury to wait until their child is older?" I thought about it and said, "No I guess not." She smiled and said, "We only have today, all of us, some of us have tougher roads to walk then others but we all have the same circumstances."
The point is, don't wait until your child is four to go to Disneyland because that is when they will be tall enough to ride the rides, go when you feel like it, because you may not have that chance when your child is four. If you feel like traveling with your child to Europe (OK a bit of a stretch here for the young toddler parents) then go for it because who knows what next year holds. We all are on the same boat heading for the same destination, live it as abundantly as you possibly can.
I have decided that I do have a chronic health issue, it comes and goes but I need to take care of it when it is here..like that pesky relative that comes to visit on occasion. I have been sad and hoping to go back to being the girl who used to blare her horn at the slow person in front of her but really I would say I like the person I am now and now is the time to live.

New Sister In Faith

Two days ago I decided to get my nails done since it had been too long. I was pretty tired out from all the stress we have been experiencing but decided I needed to get this done. I have been going to my nail shop for about six years now and know all of the ladies. They are like family to me.
I walked into the shop and they were busy, but I picked my color out and sat down in one of the spa chairs next to another patron. My lady Cathy gave me a hug and asked, "How are you doing?" I looked at her and said in the most honest way I could, "I am fine although I have to start treatment again." She gave me a concerned look, "Why? What happened?"
"Well I found a spot in my neck and it is not good so we are getting it tested and need to see if we can treat it." I said.
The lady next to me looked up and asked, "Breast cancer?" I nodded and asked her, "Are you a survivor?"
She said in a southern twang, "Oh Lord yes, been there done that!!!" I smiled at her and said, "Yes me too I guess."
She asked me what treatment and such I had and then I asked her about her cancer.
"I have been through it all, at age 20 I had ovarian cancer then melanoma." She blew on her nails and then looked up and continued, "Then at 30 I had breast cancer and melanoma again and now I have stage two colon cancer."
I was astounded and felt my blip in the road was nothing compared to what this lady has accomplished.
"I also lost my husband last year and that has been the most difficult thing for me to go through." I could not believe it, she was married for thirty years and her husband had seen her through all of those crazy days of cancer yet she outlived him.
She teared up, "I cannot throw away his clothes." I nodded sympathetically and said, "I understand that can be quite difficult."
She was alone except for her sister in Georgia and her dog, no children since she had her ovaries removed before she was married.
She turned to me and said, "Are you planning on having any more children?" I looked at her puzzled, "No...I cannot at this point." She then said very sternly, "Then have your ovaries removed since your cancer was driven by estrogen." I nodded and said, "It is being considered."
I then turned to her and said, "You know I think God put you here today to talk to me." She smiled and said, "I have heard that before too and yes I do believe that is possible."
I have been lately coming to terms with the fact that my life has changed. I no longer have the carefree days of not worrying about my health. I need to keep up with my health and if that means tests, scans and occasional treatment then that is fine.
I left the nail shop with my new friend and we hugged. She turned to me and said, "We are sisters in Christ." I nodded and we said good-bye. The Lord certainly does work in mysterious ways.

Guardian Angels

I don't normally look for angels or have many angel figurines around our house. I do believe we all have a spiritual being sent down by God to protect us and guide us. I have had many instances where something has told me to slow down while driving or look up while crossing the street to avoid a bad situation. I know that there is something guiding me along this life and it is connected to God and his Will.
This past week or so we have been experiencing a set back with my health. At this time we are waiting for test results and scans to see what we will be doing for treatment. It is a journey we have taken before, exactly one year ago. In fact, my tests this week fell on the anniversary of my diagnosis from a year ago. It feels like I am in the movie 'Ground Hog Day' with Bill Murray. If you are not familiar with the movie, you should rent, it is quite frustrating but funny as a man keeps waking up to the same day which happens to be 'Groundhog Day'. Well, this is how my life has been this past week.
The reason I feel there is a divine presence in my life even though yes I am going through another trial situation with my health is because of two individual stories that took place right after we found out.
The first story takes place the day after we had figured out we were going to be facing another turbulent time. It was a Sunday and I had did not sleep well the night before. I was online looking up information about our problem and trying to reason how it could not be cancer again. Especially so soon after I had finished treatment. The next morning I lay in bed not wanting to be apart of life. My husband was feeding our son his breakfast in the front room. I was quite depressed. The phone rang and it was my Dad, who knew we were going to be facing more treatment since I had told him the night before.
He asked me what I was doing and I said that I was in bed too tired to get out. He got upset with me and said that I needed to get up and enjoy the day with my family. I was wasting precious time by spending in bed sad and depressed. He said that I needed to appreciate my family and be the person that I have always been known to be and that was definitely not a quitter.  I grew inspired and agreed with him and thought to myself, I am letting this disease get the best of me by sitting here on this beautiful day and not being with my family. I got up and went out and asked my husband what the plans were and he said lets take a drive up the coast and stop for brunch. I liked the sound of that and we went off for a beautiful drive. The sun was out and the ocean was sparkling as we drove up the coast. We stopped at a small diner and had breakfast and watched the coaster go by which our son loved to see.
I was still quite depressed but kept my chin up and as the day wore on I started feeling more normal again. I was not fearful or sad, it was a day to spend with my family.
We decided to go to In N Out Burger for dinner last minute since we were quite tired from the stress.
At the restaurant I sat with my son while my husband got our food. I was playing with my son and he threw his hat off his head. I picked it up and caught the eye of another patron who was sitting facing us eating his food. He was an older gentleman who looked like he was a grandfather. He smiled at me and said, "he does not want his hat on." I smiled back and put the hat back on my son's head and said, "Well I am his mom and he needs his hat on." The gentleman then said to me, "Enjoy these years because they go by quite fast." I agreed with him and my husband at this point was starting to approach the table.
The man all of a sudden said out of the blue to me, "You are a teacher." I looked over at him and chills ran down my back. He had a strange look on his face and I felt too confused to answer him. I am a teacher, but have not been teaching for a couple of years. How did he know that? He said it again, "You are a teacher." He got up and came over to our table where my husband was at this point putting our food on the table. The gentleman pointed at my son and said, "You are a teacher of him and also.." He turned to my husband and said, "And to him." I sat and looked at him and listened. He then said, "God Bless You." He gave me a concerning look as if he knew what we were going through, as if he knew what we were feeling at that moment.
He then walked out of the restaurant. My husband, who does not believe in Angels or God said, "You know that guy is the type that could be an angel sent from God." I just looked at him and could not believe he said that. He never said things like that before.
I did call my Dad after dinner and told him about the encounter. He teared up and said, "You just had another divine intervention." I then realized with this encounter I need to be an example to my family. I need to be strong and no matter what circumstances develop I need to keep them together. The Lord will take care of us as long as I follow Him and listen to his word. As the scripture says, "I can do everything through Christ who gives me strength."

The next day I was out running errands by myself. I was on my home from the store when at a four way stop an older man was standing out on the street with a sign that read, "WWII Vet need ride up street to my home." He had a cane and looked feeble. I never pick people up and in fact would be the advocate of don't speak to strangers. I looked at him as I stopped my car and he looked at me. He reached for my car door and I waved him in. He got into the car and said, "I will make sure to put on my seat belt so you don't get a ticket." I waited until he was in the car and drove off. I asked him, "What are you doing wandering around the street by yourself?" He said, "My wife is in a care facility and is not doing well. I just want to see her." I felt for him and said, "I am very sorry to hear that."
He looked around my car and said, "Say this is a zippy car." I smiled and said, "Yes I am surprised that I did not get a ticket yet in this thing." I then decided to ask him about the War. I have to say, for those of you who do not know me, WWII is one of my favorite historical generations to study and talk about.
"Where did you serve in the war?" I asked him. He answered, "In the Atlantic on a destroyer, I was in the navy." I told him about my grandfather who served on Okinawa. The man said, "That was a hell of a fight, the Japs had their backs to walls." I thought about my grandfather who survived that fight. He went days without food and saw men blown to bits right before his eyes. It was a tough battle but he got through it, they almost had to go to battle on the mainland of Japan after the fight too, however the bombs were dropped and he was saved.
I stopped the car and turned the man and said, "God Bless You." He cut me off and said, "God Bless You and you know something good will come of this for you." He got out and walked away. I felt like he was put in my life at that moment to remind me that I need to remember the fight my grandfather had to fight and how he held his own even against all odds. I hope this gentleman is right, that good will come our way.

One more small story I would like to share before I close this update is regarding the signs of crosses I see, which show up whenever God wants to tell me he is near. I always see a cross when I am feeling doubtful or when a tragic event or change is about to take place.
The other day I was at a field trip with my son's school. We were at a harvest hike which was beautiful on such a bright fall day. I was walking along with my son who was of course taking his time, investigating all of the rocks and branches on the trail. I had a couple of moms with me and we chatted about life. It was a beautful setting, minus the poison oak that was growing alongside the trail.
As we walked along I did my very best to not think about our scary situation that we were in. I tried to concentrate on the moment. There was one moment that I really started to let my thoughts get away from me and as I tried to shake it off I looked down and on the ground right in front of me was a rock with a cross on it. I bent down to double check and sure enough it had a cross on it, right in front of me. I then realized God was saying, "Enjoy the day, do not worry since one more moment cannot be added to your life with worry." I shook off the fear and continued down the amber leaf trail with my son. God will take care of it all.

Estrogen

Proverbs 2 Verse 10 and 11

For wisdom will enter your heart, and knowledge will be pleasant to your soul, discretion will protect you and understanding will guard you." 

It is my personal belief that hormones are partly to blame for my diagnosis. Of course having the gene helps to but I also feel the hormone factor plays a huge role.  I have always struggled with my hormones. When I was in my early twenties I felt the start of my hormones acting a bit our of sorts. I felt more moody and tired. I went to a doctor and asked what I could do to balance out my hormones. Although no blood work was done to confirm my hormones were out of sorts I just knew. The doctor offered for me to take an anti anxiety medicine to ease the situation. I staunchly refused knowing that would not help me, it would only mask what was happening. I was hoping the doctor would give me some herbal recipes ideas on how to balance the hormones. No such luck. I guess I was considered a crazy hormonal female.
I was on birth control for almost ten years and it seemed to ease my hormones. I enjoyed being on the pill and did not have any major side effects. For the most part my hormones were pretty well balanced. Then I decided as I got into my 30s I needed to stop being on the pill. The reason, once I got closer to 35 I knew it would be time to stop because women over the age of 35 should not be on the pill. It is too dangerous.
I then went off the pill. Bad idea.  My hormones were out of control. I was experiencing such high/low days and/or moments. One moment I would be crying over a TV commercial and the next laughing hysterically about something else. I knew something was not right. When I ovulated it hurt to the point I had to lay down and keep a heat pad on my belly and I was very tired. I went to see a doctor and they did an ultrasound and found nothing. The doctor suggested three options to ease my hormones...the pill, meds, or have a baby. I chose option number three of course with the help of my husband. I did not want to go back on the pill since I was so close to 35 and I did not want to be on meds. We were excited about the thought of having an addition to the family. We were not set for a long while on having children but then life seemed pretty bleak without the option of having a child.
We found out we were having a baby pretty soon after, since my hormones were so high it was easy to conceive.
A few months later we had a little boy and it was the best experience of my life. I held him in my arms after giving birth for about two hours straight. I could not believe this little being was my son. I chose to breast feed which he took to quite naturally. The next few months were quite tough from then on. I struggled with my hormones. I was even more unbalanced then before which is normal after having a baby. I went to my doctor and asked her if I could go back on the pill, the reason is having the baby did not help my problem it made it worse. My husband was tired of my hormonal triads and I was tired of feeling like a loony person.
My doctor put me on a pill and it helped a great deal because it helped ease my ovulation. I then decided a few months before my 34 birthday to go off of it because I was scared it would be dangerous. The yo yo effect of having unbalanced hormones was tiring and there was nothing anyone could do about it.
A friend of mine suggested I go to acupuncture so I decided to try this method of medicine. The lady, Amorah, was amazing. She is a natural healer and the acupuncture really helped calm down my hormones. Until one day I had a discovery after a visit. I left her office and felt a very bad vibe throughout my body. My instincts told me something was very wrong. I looked up at the sky as I was getting into my car and a voice said to me, "You are going to die." My blood ran cold and I tried to shake my feelings off but could not. I never felt such a feeling before and the voice was quite real. I drove home and told my husband something was wrong. He ignored my worry and said everything is fine that I am having a hormone issue again.
I called my friends and brother and told them about the experience. I thought maybe the acupuncture lady was opening up a doorway and letting in bad omens. My brother suggested I go to a Christian acupuncturist. I thought about it but decided against it. My friend suggested that I talk to Amorah about my experience the next time I saw her and not assume it is something negative she is putting forth onto me. I decided that would be the best way to go. I needed an explanation. I decided to call Amorah and tell her about my experience. Her response, I had connected with my mind, body and spirit. When the three are connected they can help for me to understand what may be happening to my body. I still did not understand but I did learn that I had the ability to open the door to the spiritual world and follow the instincts told to me if I chose to. It was a choice. I did not want that choice, it seemed like something that would allow bad things into my life.
I was on the fence about seeing Amorah again. I continued on with my week and enjoyed my family. One day my right breast was hurting. I could not understand why since it never hurt before. I felt it and touched it to see where the pain was leading to. The pain was leading the outer underside of the breast. I felt a huge lump. I stopped and thought, "What the heck!" I felt it again. It was there no doubt about it. It had not been there before. I called for my husband. I told him, "I found something, you need to look at it." He had me lay down and he pressed on the lump. His face showed a look of concern. I grew scared, "What is it?" I asked him. He sat up on his legs and looked at the area and then me, "Not sure, when did you first notice this?" I was starting to panic, "Just now, I have never felt something like this before." He was quiet and then said "We should have that looked at, I will put a call into radiology." I remember the sunny day growing dark and my heart sank. I was in trouble. This was not good. I started to cry. He hugged me and said, "It is probably a clogged milk duct or something like that, lets not get ahead of ourselves." He reassured me. I knew something was wrong.
It ended up being very wrong, and my body was trying to tell me all along. It was breast cancer. I was apart of the pink ribbon group now. I was now going to face a fight like I never had to fight before.
It brings me to today, I am now finished with my treatments, except for my daily pill of tamoxifen. I am estrogen positive, now you see why I think it has to do with hormones? Plus the hormones made the bad cells grow quite fast since I had it while I was pregnant. Hormones will do that. They are a double edged sword you can't live with them or without them.
So about a month ago I saw my OBGYN. She had blood work done for my hormones although the chemotherapy had stopped my ovulation process. I went in to see her and she said I was quite healthy except for one area that was a concern, my estrogen was up and it was up high. Too high for someone in my situation. She felt my system was starting up again and we needed to stop it.
That same feeling of dread came over me. All that fighting I did now I have to face more fighting. Is this ever going to end? I asked her what we should do and maybe it was the meds that were blocking the estrogen receptors. She said she would call my oncologist to see what he thought we should do since he may have better research on the issue. Her options however, if my other doctor felt it was alarming were to shut my ovaries down for a long while or remove my ovaries if that did not help. I was stunned. More fighting. More trying to slaughter the beast keep ahead of the cells. I felt like David facing Goliath although he did win that fight.
I went home, called my cancer survivor friends and talked to my husband. All were not sure what to make of the situation. My husband thought it was the meds causing the estrogen to be high since it had no where to go.
My OBGYN called the next day and confirmed it was the meds and my oncologist was not concerned. She said we would check again another time. I blew out a sigh of relief. However, the feeling inside me did not feel right about how this was ending. I had a feeling something more needed to be done. I could not stop thinking about it.
One morning, I prayed to God about it and asked him to show me the way. I want to live and to please give me an answer.
That morning, after that prayer I received my answer. I was on my way to lunch to visit with one of my dear friends who is also a breast cancer survivor. I saw the car in front of me with a cross hanging on the rear view mirror. I thought of God and realized he is with me. When I see crosses it is a sign to me that God is near.
Suddenly my phone rang, it was my doctor, my oncologist. He was calling out of the blue a week after the discussion of shutting down my hormones. I answered hesitantly, "Hello." I heard him say to me, "Hi Dana Dr. Polikoff, do you have a moment?" I grew scared, what the heck was he wanting? "Uh, yes what do you need." He chuckled sensing the fear in my voice, "There is nothing wrong, I just wanted to discuss with you your hormone levels." I was still hesitant but intrigued, "Yes they were quite high, but it is because of the meds, right?" I asked him.
He paused and said, "Well, not sure, we need to consider giving you shots to suppress your ovulation, you had too many lymph nodes involved for me to look the other way." He went on to say and this really caught my attention,"My gut tells me we need to do this."
My doctor, the science research number guy never talks like this. I knew I needed to get that shot. "Ok I will do it as soon as I can." I said. "I will put a request in and we will monitor your hormones." I said ok and thanked him for being diligent.
 I did not ask him what changed his mind or why he called today. I knew why. At that moment I was getting off of the freeway and the car in front of me,  a different one this time, had a cross hanging on the rear view mirror. I knew God was saying that he was taking care of me.
The rest of the day was a blur but a miracle in the making.
That afternoon I raced to the doctor clinic to get the shot. God was working with me the entire time. I found a parking spot up front, that never happens, the elevator door opened as I arrived, with no one on board. I went up to the nurses clinic and they said I would have to wait an hour to even see if they had the shot. I almost decided to wait another day but then said ok to waiting. I ran into my husband who was at clinic, by chance, and we had a smoothie together while I waited.
My doctor, OBGYN called during the hour and said if the clinic did not have the shot then to go to her office to get it. She was happy that I was getting the shot.
I went back to the clinic and they called my name, the nurse turned to me and apologized, "I am so sorry we do not have the shot here you have to go to OBGYN." I was already out the door before she finished. I ran up to the OBGYN clinic. I was first in line, the receptionist called me over, "Can I help you?" She asked.
"I need to get a Lupron shot." I said and added, "My doctor knows I am here." The lady typed on her computer and said, "You are lucky we do not have walk ins today normally and we were going to be closed but a meeting was cancelled." She told me to wait by the door for my name.
I knew God was there with me.
The nurse called me and she was very inspirational. She was faithful and knew what I needed to hear. "Now the shot I am giving to you has a color on it so you know you are receiving the right shot." She said to me, "The color is purple so each month look for the purple shot." I knew God was with me, purple means passion of the Christ, my dad told me this when I was first diagnosed. He looks for it when he is searching for God.
I almost started to cry, not because of the shot itself, but because I knew God was listening. I prayed and asked and he answered.
I called my dad on the way home. He said to me, "You have had a divine intervention." I smiled, "Yes indeed I have."
Later that night as I was getting ready for bed, I turned on the TV. The news hour on PBS was on. I was about to turn it when the announcer said, "And today legendary singer Andy Williams passed away." I continued to watch, "He was known for singing 'Moon River' and we thought we would play it for you this evening." I froze. I got the chills. The song came on and "Moon River" was heard throughout the room. My grandfather who passed away earlier in the year before I started treatment used to sing 'Moon River' to my dad when he was a child. It was one of his favorite songs. I have had it play randomly for me in times of trouble. I knew he was near too. Thank you God and thank you Grandpa for watching over me.

Detour

How do we make decisions? People have different ways of making up their minds on important and non important situations. For example, deciding to purchase a home is a big decision and it may take some time and discussion to make a move on either purchasing the home or not. An example of a small decision is more than likely what to watch on television while resting in the evening hours. People make hundreds of decisions a day and often without consulting anyone. 

Today was one of those days for me, I had some decisions to make. First of all I had to wake up early and be out the door by eight so I could be at a doctors appointment by nine thirty. I kissed my son good-bye, gave final instructions to the nanny and out the door to drive about an hour away for an appointment that I was volunteering to do. 

I got into the car and started to think about why I was driving up to the appointment. A few weeks ago I had agreed to be apart of a clinical study regarding breast cancer. The research behind the study is to prove a drug used by diabetics can help those affected by breast cancer. The study asks for volunteers to take a pill for up to five years and with blood work done every so often the doctors monitor the patients. The patients receive a pill, it can either be the drug or a placebo. The patient does not know what they are taking but will be told by the end of the study. The idea is to to see who lives longer and if there is any positive effect the drug is having on the those taking it. I decided to go ahead with the study since it may give me a chance to take a drug that could prolong my life. I discussed the study with my husband and my closest friends. All encouraged me to go ahead and join the study, although my husband was a bit hesitant. His excuse was it seemed like a lot of effort for volunteer work and he was concerned the drug might have some negative side effects. 

Although my husband and friends were fine with me taking the study, I did not jump at the chance and say yes until I did get a clear answer from one important entity in my life, God. I recently decided to go to Him first before making any decision. I even go to Him before my husband. I want to do right by God and by my family. I received the call from the clinic asking if I wanted to join the trial and instead of going with my emotions I sat down (on the floor like always) and prayed. I asked God for a clear sign that this is what I needed to do. A couple of days later the clinic called back since I had not called them after the first message they left on my home machine. 

I decided this must be a sign from God and went ahead and said yes to being apart of the study. I drove up one morning to fill out paper work, which took an hour of my time. It started out poorly too as the nurse told me that I may need scans and x rays. I insisted if these things are necessary I would not do the study since I did not want to sit on pins and needles when the results came back. The nurse sensed I was going to walk out and double checked her information. she was wrong and confirmed no scans or x rays. We moved on with the paper work and she said she would call me for blood work in about a week. I would need to fast the night before and morning of when they needed the blood work. I walked out with mixed emotions. The paperwork given to me kept mentioning if the cancer comes back and it is likely is may come back. I did not like reading this or having it in front of me. I wanted to put this behind me as best as I could. However, God did answer my prayer and it seemed he wanted me to do this study so I best listen to him. 

So this morning I was asked to drive in for blood work and also I needed to fill out a twenty page questionnaire. I agreed but told the nurse I needed to be at an appointment down the coast by eleven. 

I drove up the freeway and was listening to my favorite spiritual lecturer (Joyce Meyers) and she was talking about how your words and thoughts can affect your future. If you think things are going to be a certain way then they are. We have the power to control our thoughts and words and they should be connected to God. I started to cry as I listened to her because I was tired and worried. I want to be able to feel happy and positive about my situation but it can be quite difficult. I wish that I could say 'Everything is going to be alright' and move on with my life, but it is tough. I realized then that I was done with dwelling on the past, especially this past year. I need a break. I need a break from the mental issue of things, the physical aches and pains (especially mentioning to anyone that I have aches and pains because I am not allowed to have them or else a scan is issued) and the worry. I want to move on with my life, be the woman I was before only better. I want to live a carefree life like I used and feel I have my whole life ahead of me, instead of only seeing a dreary bleak outlook. 

All of a sudden traffic came to a halt. I brushed the tears out of my eyes and grumbled, "Great traffic." It was not ordinary traffic either, it was gridlock. I sat for a few minutes, noticed the other lane was moving more often and switched lanes. The clock was ticking. I had twenty minutes to get to my appointment but I was still quite a distance away. I suddenly saw the lane next to me, free and clear, but that was because it was going the opposite direction that I needed to go, along with everyone else. The sign said 78 East to Ramona, my home town where my parents live. I sat there for a few minutes more and finally said to God, "I am done!!" I looked over to see if cars were coming and then looked back to the car on the opposite side of me, a cross hanging in the rear view mirror flashed in front of me as if to say, "Go ahead, make up your mind." In my gut I wanted to drive off and go home but my fear in my mind said I would be sorry and this could alter my life. I told my fear to be quiet. 

"I am sorry God, I cannot do this study, I will do anything else to change but I will not do this study. I need to take care of my family." I said out loud and drove towards Ramona. 

I could not get back on the freeway because the traffic was so bad. I could not find another way home except for the only way I knew which was to Ramona to my old home. I called my husband and told him what happened, he agreed and said to grab a coffee and relax. I left a message for the nurse and told her I may not be apart of the study after all. I then concentrated on the ride. It was a beautiful morning. I was driving in a valley filled with orange trees and ostrich farms. The hills around the valley were misty and the sun was shining down in a golden light. I kept seeing crosses on the road from churches and such. I kept talking to God and saying, "I need to move forward, I cannot be apart of a study that will see if I will be alive in five years." It just seemed like nonsense to me. My phone rang and it was the nurse, she seemed agitated. I apologized to her and explained what happened. She asked me what I would like to do. I paused, "I need to talk this over with my husband and I will call you back." I told her. She seemed fine but annoyed. 

I called my dad and told him what was going on, he said, it is what it is, and felt bad that I was driving up the road so far out of my way. However, I was enjoying the ride, although I did feel like a crazy person. 

I got to Ramona, which is a small town out east of San Diego. It is horse country and far from the beach community that I now live in. I saw the store I worked at when I was eighteen and saw the places I used to eat at or hang out at in school. I drove to Starbucks and got myself a hot chocolate. I then decided to drop my mom off a gift since she has been having a terrible time lately with some personal things. 

I drove to my parents home and dropped the bag of Starbucks off at their front door, she was not there to answer the door. I prayed to God and said, "This is so much better than thinking of myself." Instead of going to the clinic and thinking about my body and what was going on with my life, I ended up on my mother's door step to give her something that might take the worries from her life. 

I decided on my drive to my home that this is what I need to do now, take care of others and start living my life the way God intended for me to do. I need to change and become the faithful and loving person God wants me to be and move on with life. 

A verse that motivated me this week is Proverbs 3 Verses 5 and 6, it reads, "Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him and he will make your paths straight." Amen! 

Cancer

The word 'Cancer' sends bad vibes throughout my entire being. I never did or still do not like to use the word 'cancer' in conversation and always liked to avoid watching movies where someone dies because of cancer. I still cannot say the word after facing such a terrible beast in my own life. I cannot say it even after multiple treatments and tests. The months move forward and I do not like to say this word. You are probably wondering what do I say then when referring to my ailment and I do say in place of cancer, 'my situation' or 'my problem'. I don't know if it is living in a state of denial because how can one still exist in a sense of denial when going through a year of trials connected to such a word?
I remember talking to my OBGYN after she found out that I was going through treatments. She was in shock because just a year earlier she was delivering our newborn son. She said to me after talking with me about 'the situation' that I had changed. I was a girl who did not like needles or would get scared even walking into a doctors office. She said she noticed that I now had my 'big girl pants' on and was facing this very serious situation much differently than when I was having my son. I told her, "Well when you look death in the eyes and you see your one year old son looking at you from the other side of the room you do your very best to stay focused on your son." As time went on and my treatments started weighing me down each month I became more determined to talk with other cancer patients. These people once had lives just like mine before they heard the 'C' word uttered from their doctor's lips. I emailed a lady fighting for her life with stage IV Breast Cancer, made friends with the older ladies in radiation fighting lung and breast cancers, read Lance Armstrong's book and this is one area that I gathered my strength from as time went on. I suddenly started to realize that cancer is not just a disease that kills millions each year but it is also a lesson to be learned. It is a bridge to understanding what it means to live each day to its fullest, with no regrets. It is loving others even if you don't know them from Adam (or Eve) or if you don't agree with their politics. The people suffering from cancer who I have met are strong and super heros not frail and living with a sense of dread.
I have witnessed some not make it as I have tried to continue my connections with those in my situation and it is not easy but I still like to focus on those who are fighting mad...wanting the same thing as me to live to see their son's or daughter's grow up. The word 'cancer' may not be easy for me to say, and yes I still do not like to watch movies where someone does not make it...why should I do that I just lived through something similar? However, I respect what good can come out of cancer and that is the possibility of life and learning to love and smile.

The End?

Psalm 62 vs. 8 'Trust in Him at all times, O people; pour out your hearts to Him, for God is our refuge.'

The journey started almost a year ago. It started in the Fall just before Thanksgiving. I had in my calendar plans to pick up a turkey at the local grocery store, recipes for delicious side dishes, trying to figure out who was going to come to dinner. The concerns of everyday life were going through my head until I showed up for a follow up visit to the radiologist. I almost cancelled the appointment thinking how unnecessary it was since I already had multiple opinions on what the large lump in my right side could be. I was unprepared for the sudden change in my everyday routine. The sun even looked different with how it shined down on me. It seemed to cast shadows, of doubt. I remember leaving the appointment sobbing as I pushed my one year son in his stroller to the car. A friend of mine came along to manage my son while I was in with the doctor. She tried her best to keep me focused on the positive side, it will be okay were the words I heard her say. I finally turned to her, poor thing, and said it is not okay something is wrong. I later apologized to her once we had gotten past the tests and other exams. A true friend will always accept and move forward with you, just as she did. I thank her for that.
The next few weeks were a blur of staying brave and feeling like I was in a black hole of despair. My husband had red eyes from crying so much yet my one year old son kept a lively spirit in our home. He was clueless as to what was happening, which I was so relieved about. The surgery was the beginning of our research as to what was happening within my body. As I recovered from surgery more tests were given and my stage was slowly being established. The PT Scan was the final test to say what stage I was at. I was truly frightened. If the scan showed cancer cells in other parts of my body I was only prolonging my life. If nothing showed up then I had a chance...not a 100 percent chance but a chance to live for awhile longer. The two days waiting for the scan results were agonizing. I felt like I was being tortured. I could not eat or concentrate. The picture of door number one or two kept playing through my head. I had NO control. This is where I found sitting on the floor next to my bed and praying to God helped the most. It would always calm me down and I could eventually get up and make dinner or watch TV. My husband called with the results and the scan was clear. We both cried. I felt like someone had given me a shot at possibly living awhile longer.
The first day of chemotherapy came upon us and I remember sitting in the lobby crying. I did not want to be bald and look frail. I was too young for this I remember thinking to myself. The nurses understood and took very good care of me. They watched over me like angels. I was given a beautiful blanket from a friend, the church she attends made it for me and blessed it. I used the blanket every time. The only time I did not use it there was an issue with the IV. I then never forgot it and it kept me safe. The days of therapy were long and really changed me. I no longer see life as I used to. I do not take for granted my days with my family or close friends. I take each moment, each breath with appreciation. It is like being reborn again.
The break in between chemo and radiation gave me a chance to heal and to feel healthy. We went to Maui and I remember sitting on the beach wondering if this was going to be my last vacation. I was in a rut of despair again. There is an unnerving feeling when treatment ends. I felt like the aggressive part of the battle has ended and now it is a waiting game. Did we win? Did we achieve the goal of killing all of the bad cells? No one knows until the next scan.
The days of radiation came with risks too and as my skin started to burn and look as if I had laid out a little too long in the sun my mental state was continuing to wonder if I was going to be okay. It has been two full months since I stopped chemo and that is a fair chance for things to come back.
The end of radiation was yesterday. As I was lifted off of the radiation table the techs all clapped and one brought out a bubble jar and blew bubbles. The 21 bubble salute she called it as bubbles floated about me. I was laughing but wanted to cry too...it has been a long road. A year. I took this one step at a time with God by my side. I am glad I did. I could not have tackled all of the treatments by trying to control things or wanting to figure out what was going to happen before it happened. I knew that everything was out of my control and I had to let go and let God. I remember walking out of the doctor's office from a three week check up and threw my hands up in the air, "I give this to you God!" I proclaimed. "I cannot do this by myself!" I remember sitting in my car crying. I did not know what was going to happen. I was bald, with someone else's hair on my head, I was tired and achy, my eyes were watering from the cytosine and the tears flowed easier because I had no eye lashes. But each time I cried or felt like I could not handle things any longer, I heard a voice. It was inside of me. It kept saying "I am here." It was a whisper. I remember it would calm me down and the voice would say, "Keep moving forward." I would then remember who I was doing this for, my family. They needed me and so I would carry on.
Yesterday as I walked out of the radiation room and into the lobby with the techs behind me to see me ring the bell, my family stood in front of me. My husband and my son were there and we rang the bell together. The end of this part of the journey is now complete. But the lessons from this journey are to be documented and remembered.

New Sister

I decided to take a moment for myself last week and get a manicure and pedicure at my favorite nail salon. I appreciate getting my nails done even more now because during chemotherapy it was forbidden, well it was frowned upon but some people still do it. I decided to not get my nails done during treatment, like a good patient. The reason it is looked down upon is because there is risk of infection. If an instrument is not sterilized and used on a hand or foot and that tool cuts someones finger or nail bed it can cause an infection. I did not want to risk that, so for the six months I was under treatment I clipped my nails short and that was it. No polish or anything fancy, I did not have the energy.
Anyhow, I arrived at the shop and sat down to enjoy my 45 minutes of pure bliss. The ladies are wonderful and have known me for about five or six years. The foot massage I enjoy the most because my feet hurt from post chemotherapy issues and massages help with the pain.
The shop was empty since it was the middle of a work day and so I was able to relax and read a magazine when a customer came in. The ladies looked up and I did too as this customer, a woman in her sixties I would guess stood in front of us with her hands on her hips and a scowl on her face. I grew curious and the other shop ladies all gave each other knowing glances. The lady then announced, "Did you know there is NO parking outside?" I was confused, how is this the shops issue. The owner of the shop, Song spoke up, "Yes, it can be tough to find parking." The lady then said, "All of your spots in back are filled and there are No spots in front of the shop, what should I do?" I was thinking fast about how I could help this lady, since she was obviously late for her appointment. I heard Song say, "I don't know, but you need to be here soon because I have another customer after you." She then offered, "You can come in tomorrow if you like?" I braced myself for the lady's reply knowing she was not going to be happy with this response, "What? Tomorrow? Oh no no I cannot do that." She grew more irate, "Song do you still want business from me? If so, then you need to tell people when they make appointments about the parking situation." She said this as she marched outside.
I looked at the ladies stunned yet kind of entertained, Song looked at me and said, "She is always like this, it will be okay."
My nails were almost done and I thought maybe I should have offered her my spot but she ran out so fast there was not a chance. Not sure if she was coming back I shook it off and returned to my magazine.
The lady came back in five minutes later, she had found parking. I tried to not stare as she ran over to Song's desk and sat down but as she was doing so telling her how she is going to lose customers.
Song and her both went at it for a bit and the other ladies tried to keep themselves busy as I sat there starting to get annoyed. This lady was so awful and mean to Song I wanted to speak up but I did not say anything.
The lady then brought me into the conversation, "This customer here must have five cars then because all five of your spots are full." She pointed at me and kept her face looking at Song.
I spoke up, "Uh, no I do not have five cars, in fact I was going to offer you my spot out front if you were needing it."
The lady did a double take and looked at me then smiled, "Oh you know what I mean, the parking is terrible!!!"
This would start a very interesting conversation between the two of us that would lead me to find out she is a Stage Three Breast Cancer survivor. Instantly we were connected and a new friendship was formed. Her story, she grew up in Coronado with a father who was a Marine Corp General in WWII. Her grandfather was also a Marine Corp General. She told me a story about how she was the first paper girl in her neighborhood. She would have to sneak out of the house in the early morning, since her parents did not look fondly upon this, and she would deliver papers. Her father finally caught on and realized the Marine Corp training he would teach her for fun she would use to escape the house. He never knew it would be used against him
 I told her about my grandfather having served in the Marine Corp during WWII. Both fought in the South Pacific theatre.  We were connected again. When the conversation turned to breast cancer we were able to help one another out with things the other did not know. She needed to know about where to buy items for women who have had mastectomies and I knew several places. She heard I was going through radiation treatments and offered to mix me up her ice remedy that helped her and drop it off. I gladly accepted. We were pals by the time I left. I know why this lady is surviving, she is tough and not willing to give up. I liked her spirit although I did not like how she treated Song at first, but Song knew how to handle her.
I have had experience with strong personality types before so this does not bother me in the least bit.
Later that day, she dropped off her ice remedy at my home. She came in and got to see my place, "So this is an original Bird Rock cottage, huh?" She asked while looking up at our vaulted cedar ceilings. "Yup." I responded proud of my home. We went on to talk about remodeling and such. She then saw my grandfather's flag from his burial and asked what that was for, "I was presented with my grandfather's flag when he passed on this past winter." I said to her knowing she would understand the significance of this. " I keep it on my mantel to remind me to stay strong and brave during my battle just as he did during his battle in WWII." I told her, "Because you know it was tough for them." She nodded and said, "Yes it was." She grew quiet out of respect it seemed and then all of sudden went on to tell me about table tennis. She plays at Balboa Park and finds it a great release and then offered to go for a walk with me sometime, "You know it is nice to be able to talk to someone about this." She said to me as she was leaving. I told her, "Yes it sure is!!" She then said," I am sorry about how I acted earlier in the salon, I think my medication is making me grouchy." I smiled knowing full well it is not her medication, "We all have been there." I said to her and then said good night. I found a new friend, a fellow sister in the fight against breast cancer.

Surviving

My treatments are coming to a close, final radiation is next week.  The past few months have been life changing to say the very least. I do not look at life the same any longer, I do not view it as a 'normal' person typically views life either. Once diagnosed with a life threatening illness all that is 'normal' is not. There is a new normal right now, surviving.  What is surviving? Well, I would say making sure all treatments have been taken into account, enjoying life to the fullest, believing in God and thanking Him for another day, learning to plan again, laughing, these are just a few of the things surviving entails.Also,  it helps to keep yourself busy and to get out and involved with activities. I asked one survivor how did she get back to life again. Her reply, "I had to work and that kept me busy everyday." I noticed when I am busy taking care of my family, in particular my son, I don't have time to focus on the scary 'what if' thoughts. Also, by the end of the day if I have kept up a pretty busy schedule I find that sleep comes easy. I do not need to take sleeping pills or any anti anxiety medicine, it is not healthy anyhow to pop a pill to ease tension. That brings me to another area of how to survive, God. Many have asked me, "How have you been able to get through this dark possibly hopeless period in your life?" My answer will always be, "God." I did have family, friends, medical teams, etc., help me but it requires strength to get up and face this Mt.Everest of a problem. I did not have such strength, until I opened my Bible and started to pray. It was the first day of knowing I had this terrible situation, will I live? Will I see my son graduate high school, heck will I see him graduate kindergarten? I was terrified. I had not turned to God really ever in my life in this way. He gave me strength. I read the Bible before bed at night and it helps calm me down and allows me to sleep. When I am in the car heading to radiation in the mornings, I talk to Him.
The other day I was leaving the house in a hurry, I felt like I had forgotten something. I patted my pockets and looked at my hands, had everything. I got into my car, but yet I still did not feel quite right, there was an empty ness. I then realized, I forgot to pray and say Good Morning to God. I then spent the next fifteen minutes praying to God thanking Him for the morning and the opportunity to get treatment. I felt a whole lot better as I arrived at radiation. I am not religious, I would say that I am quite faithful, you would be too if you saw all the things God can do, I am not one who is trying to convince people they need to believe, I have found thru this journey that becoming a Christian is not by trying to convince others to become one too, it is all based upon the relationship between you and God himself. I remember one night my husband, who proclaims he is an atheist, made a remark about my beliefs and made fun of the facts in the Bible. I kindly turned to him and said, "I support your beliefs, you need to support mine because at the end of the day when I pass on God will be the one standing before me, not you, and I need to make darn sure I have my ducks in a row before then." My husband did not have a retort. I have to say surviving without God would be scary, impossible, and just not a path in life that would help me be a positive happy person that I try to be everyday.
I start my new journey next week...no more treatments...only occasional doctor visits. The life of a survivor and not a newly diagnosed cancer patient. Time to rejoice and give thanks!!!

Changes: A tribute to Celia

"Do not anticipate trouble, or worry about what may never happen. Keep in the sunlight." Benjamin Franklin

I have to say today has been a bit tough for Patrick and myself. The nanny P grew to know and love left us last week. I am heartbroken for him, especially when he constantly asks for her. This morning was a typical Monday morning and he is used to her showing up around breakfast time. The doorbell rang and he got excited yelling, "CeeCee!" I had to tell him, "No it is not CeeCee it is Yoli!" He was not too happy when he saw a different person, his new nanny, coming into the house and not his beloved CeeCee.
CeeCee, or Celia, was a sweet lady with many years of nanny experience, she took care of my son while I was going through chemotherapy. She comes from Tijuana, a border town in Mexico next to San Diego. It is a tough place to be born and raised but she was able to get through life, raise her only son without a father, and now see him raising his own family. She has a magical way with children. My husband in fact was amazed at her energy level she would exude by the end of the day. He would walk in from work wanting to nap and he would see her running around with our son in the front yard like she just drank ten shots of espresso. He would look at me and say, "How does she do it?" I would always shrug, especially during the days I was wore out from chemo. CeeCee would walk around the house constantly chattering with my son, who would develop the same 'lingo' as her. If he spilled something or broke a toy she would say, "Oh No Patrick" and he would repeat her not just for that moment but everyday there after. There was one phrase that he adopted and still yells around the house, "Ay yy yy." She taught him words and would take him on nature walks around the neighborhood. He would come running into my room with flowers and yell, "Mama" I knew she encouraged him to give the flowers to me, and they made my day especially on the days I was laying in bed thinking how alone I felt. Celia had a way of putting him down for bed, I tried to show her my way when she started and she pretty much ignored my instructions and did what she knew would work for her. She would hold him and hum and pat his back. It would work 98 percent of the time. It was nice to have her take care of him and get him to sleep so I could rest., even if she ignored my instructions on how to go about getting him to bed.
Now CeeCee taught me quite a bit, we butted heads at times because both of us wanted to be the boss. It was tough having someone else in the home who wanted to be in charge of my son. I grew frustrated at times with her routines in the home of not cleaning up after breakfast, rather she would go for a walk with Patrick and leave the mess in the sink. I would also become agitated when she would take him from the house and not tell me where they were going. I sometimes would call and check in and ask where they were and she would say, "We are on a walk" I would think, "Yes I know but where!!!"
 As the weeks and slowly months went by I developed a liking for CeeCee. I saw most importantly that my son loved her. I am happy when he is happy and that is all that really matters at the end of the day. I started to realize the dishes in the sink can wait, the floors can be swept later, my son and his happiness come first. CeeCee even began to mother me and make sure that I was eating and resting. She would check on me during the days that I was laying in bed unable to move because of the toxic chemicals that had ransacked my body. She saw me at my worst moments that no one, not even my own mother, has seen and would not want to see. She would smile and give me a pat on the back on my good days when I managed to dress up a bit and put some make up on.
She gave me hugs as I went out the door to my therapy appointments in tears not wanting to go but would rather stay home and take care of my son. She would see how tired and drugged up I was coming home from the appointments and would whisk Patrick into the other room to feed him and give me a moment to get into bed to pass out.
She would say for me to pray for strength not just healing, but strength from God and he will give it to me. She would read her Bible on the couch during Patrick's nap times and I would ask her what she was reading, which encouraged me to read my Bible too.
We would laugh about some of the crazy current events taking place around us and I would share with her some of my healing recipes, which she thought were just nuts. I cried the day she said she was leaving us, as I held my feverish son, he was not feeling well after a bad cold. She was very upset and near tears as she told me she needed to leave us for a job that would be able to offer her health care coverage. I tried to think quick as to what I could counter but there was nothing that I could do. The job also offered her a few more years of job security since the lady of the house was having another baby in a few months. P will hopefully not need a nanny in a couple of years, unless of course my condition goes south.
I grew bitter towards the end of her three week notice, I tried not to think badly about her decision in leaving us. I really understood. I have been in similar situations myself and did not want to disappoint anyone but in life it happens. The season of CeeCee has come to a close. Did I get anything from this experience? I guess you could tell by what I wrote that yes I did. I know most moms may think this person was just a nanny, an employee, but to me anyone who enters this home and is allowed to care for my son becomes more than a stranger or employee, they become family. Also, each of us have people who come and go throughout life...think about why these people are put there. Is there a reason? I think CeeCee was put in my life to teach me many things about motherhood. I have grown more patient as a person and I don't need a perfect home everyday. The people in my family and their happiness is more important than a finely cooked meal or if the bed is perfectly made. I now do not expect my husband to carry on around the house in a tizzy to make sure everything is perfect. Of course, I do draw the line with some things but mostly I like to watch my family play and interact with one another and to create memories. We cannot get these days back so enjoy them while you can!!! Last, I devote this blog to Celia for caring for my son and loving him like her own. I wish her the very best.

Officially Day One

'That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, I am strong.' 2Corinthians 12:10

Survival is the first thing I think about in the mornings. Of course it comes after I talk to God then I get my son up kiss my husband good morning and start my day. I am on a journey to get back into shape. I have endured six months of chemotherapy due to a breast cancer found in the Fall of 2011. I am now currently undergoing five weeks of radiation and then I take an anti hormone pill for five years. I appreciate and respect Western medicine. One should not ignore or look the other way to offerings that may help keep them alive. It is like the story I tell my friends that I once heard, a man was in his home and flood waters were rising around him. He prayed to God for help and as he did so he climbed to the roof of his home. He sat waiting for God's help. A boat came by and they offered to pick the man up, he refused and said, "God will save me" A few minutes later as the flood waters were still rising ominously, another boat came by to offer help, the man once again refused. The man ended up not making it and in heaven the man asked God, "Why did you not save me?" The Lord said to him, "I sent you two boats, why did you not get in?" The same goes for the medicines offered to patients. Yes, there are side effects and risks. I was told with radiation I may have another type of cancer develop in 20 years. I told my radiation oncologist, "I hope that I lucky enough to be here in 20 years, I need to think of right now and what is best for my family today." So as I take the medicines offered by my doctors and endure the physical and mental issues that came attached
I have decided to take matters into my own hands too. First, I believe in Eastern medicines and treatments. For example, acupuncture. I have been going to acupunture for one year, it helped me to balance my hormones and to discover the lump in my breast. I believe it is beneficial to those who are willing to try it out. Acupuncture helps to relieve the energy that can be stored up or blocked in certain areas of the body. It is not good for these areas to remain blocked because physical ailments can soon follow. I also believe in eating greens and cutting sugars from the everyday diet. I mean processed sugars too, not natural sugar. I found eating healthy is helpful and the headaches I used to receive most days are now gone. This is coming from someone who used to eat candy everyday and eat drive through Mexican food two times a week at most. I have since then stopped eating candy and stopped the drive thru mexican food. In that time I have lost six pounds. This is necessary when fighting cancer...many women gain weight during chemotherapy and this does not help the body out and so the cancer cells are able to grow when the body is so busy trying to process energy produced by the bad foods and store it as  fat.  I am not a doctor, my husband is, but I do what I feel is helping my body out the best. So far eating better and going to treatments are making me feel much better both physically and mentally. Now the final issue that I have been tackling is going back to the gym. I started to go back while I was in chemotherapy. I was in the middle of my 12 rounds of Taxol and I was tired of being in bed. I needed to get out and get moving. My belly looked flabby and I was grouchy most days. I called up my gym and told them about my situation. I remember asking the manager if they are used to helping women out recovering from breast cancer treatment. She said, "Yes, but not someone this young." I was stunned. I remember telling my husband and his response was, "Well most thirty year olds are comfortable with going to the gym on their own after treatments." I decided to go ahead and sign up for private training sessions.
I went to the gym with a scarf and hat on. My trainer Danielle was quite encouraging and honest. We had to figure out which exercises were best for me, especially since I had all of my lymph nodes removed from my right arm, one needs to be careful due to possible swelling of the arm.
As days went on with training I started to feel better and more active. I was still not feeling my best but I made myself get to the gym, I may have even cried somedays as I drove there because I did not feel great. However, after each session I felt awesome. I felt good about myself and it was nice to be out among the masses again. One day I was at home with my husband and he mentioned a mini sprint triatholon coming up in the fall in our hometown. It seemed managable, 500 meter swim, 10 mile bike, 3 mile run. I am a runner and have ran in events before. I told him this is what I wanted to do. However, I told him that he would need to do it with me. He said ok and we signed up. I needed him to sign up to for motivation. I asked my trainer about it and she said,"why not? All you can do is try!"
So here I am, it is July, I am one month out from my last treatment. I am undergoing radation and I am trying my best to train for the event being held the last week of September. I am far away from my goal for all events. I am a terrible athletic swimmer,  and the biking part was not so great, I spent a morning falling on the ground and enduring painful bruises after realizing clip in shoes are not easy. So instead of training wheels, I put pedals on finally and went for a ride down the street. The running part is the only part I seem to be doing ok with, except I have sciatic nerve and neuropathy from the chemotherapy. This means my feet hurt and are numb at times to the point advil does not help. However, with the persistance of my trainer and my husband I am chugging along. Today, my trainer looked me in the eyes and said, "You need to start swimming everyday" So here I am after a training session this morning i will be heading the pool to swim laps.
Update: It has been a few months since this post and I have had to stop my training for a bit. I was experiencing set backs and needed to slow things down. I have since then decided to go back to training but slowly. It takes a good year or two to recover from therapy. I need to take it one day at a time. I hope to join in a bike race or half marathon someday but not this year.