The word 'Cancer' sends bad vibes throughout my entire being. I never did or still do not like to use the word 'cancer' in conversation and always liked to avoid watching movies where someone dies because of cancer. I still cannot say the word after facing such a terrible beast in my own life. I cannot say it even after multiple treatments and tests. The months move forward and I do not like to say this word. You are probably wondering what do I say then when referring to my ailment and I do say in place of cancer, 'my situation' or 'my problem'. I don't know if it is living in a state of denial because how can one still exist in a sense of denial when going through a year of trials connected to such a word?
I remember talking to my OBGYN after she found out that I was going through treatments. She was in shock because just a year earlier she was delivering our newborn son. She said to me after talking with me about 'the situation' that I had changed. I was a girl who did not like needles or would get scared even walking into a doctors office. She said she noticed that I now had my 'big girl pants' on and was facing this very serious situation much differently than when I was having my son. I told her, "Well when you look death in the eyes and you see your one year old son looking at you from the other side of the room you do your very best to stay focused on your son." As time went on and my treatments started weighing me down each month I became more determined to talk with other cancer patients. These people once had lives just like mine before they heard the 'C' word uttered from their doctor's lips. I emailed a lady fighting for her life with stage IV Breast Cancer, made friends with the older ladies in radiation fighting lung and breast cancers, read Lance Armstrong's book and this is one area that I gathered my strength from as time went on. I suddenly started to realize that cancer is not just a disease that kills millions each year but it is also a lesson to be learned. It is a bridge to understanding what it means to live each day to its fullest, with no regrets. It is loving others even if you don't know them from Adam (or Eve) or if you don't agree with their politics. The people suffering from cancer who I have met are strong and super heros not frail and living with a sense of dread.
I have witnessed some not make it as I have tried to continue my connections with those in my situation and it is not easy but I still like to focus on those who are fighting mad...wanting the same thing as me to live to see their son's or daughter's grow up. The word 'cancer' may not be easy for me to say, and yes I still do not like to watch movies where someone does not make it...why should I do that I just lived through something similar? However, I respect what good can come out of cancer and that is the possibility of life and learning to love and smile.
