I did not have even six months time to heal from the prior treatment and during the 'break' in between treatments I feared for the worse to happen. The worse did occur, it came back, and thankfully the Lord heard my plea for help because it is now gone.
I told my husband today, "I am DONE." My bones, muscles, brain and spirit are done. I want to now enjoy each day that the Lord grants to me.
Tonight, I held my son in my arms while listening to a soundtrack filled with piano music and birds. He rubbed his eyes and slowly drifted off to sleep as I cradled him like a newborn. I do this each night and some nights I baptize him with tears. I may not be able to run after him or take care of him every day like I had hoped to do when I first became a mom but no one can take away the fact that I am his mother. I have learned to let go and allow others to help raise him. He has formed relationships with other people and I believe this has helped him develop into the little person he has become today.
Who is my little boy? He is kind. He is gentle. He is devoted. He is goofy. He loves. I see a smile on his face as he greets me when I enter the room. He always wraps his arms tight around me and says, "I love you." If this was not a blessing to work hard for these past couple of years I don't know what it could be. A couple of years ago I was tired, a new mom, I had a young infant needing all of my attention and I took it for granted. I was concerned with schedules and getting the house in order, which is fine to do however when one gets lost in only the timeline of a day and the thoughts are only on tomorrow there is a problem. The blessing I received from cancer and from my Lord is being able to realize this life is not forever. Our children do grow up, fast. We do grow old, quickly. The seasons pass like the speed of light. We need to appreciate everyday, every moment, every second. It is more than likely easier for those who have experienced tragedy in their life or for those who have faced death to understand this better than those who may not have. Why do I make this assumption? Because before I faced death I did not think about the moment I was in. I was setting my time up for the next day. I was the squirrel putting her nuts in the nest for the winter. As I scurried to get things done my infant son was growing up and my family was growing older. I did not realize both of my grandfathers would pass away in the same year as I faced treatment. A friend of mine would also face her demise and I would have to say good-bye to her as well. In the mornings now I hate jumping out of bed and running around the house like a bomb is set to go off, I like to ease myself up, even with a two year old yelling 'mama' in the next room I still take my time. I say good morning to God and thank him for another day. I say good morning to my husband and my dog then off we go into another world filled with adventure and lessons to be learned sent from above. The most amazing thing to this too is that we still get to our appointments on time and my heart rate is not skyrocketing. It is a better way to live!
I believe the Bible also wants for us to appreciate each moment, as it states in Matthew 6:25-28 ' Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or what you will wear. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothes? Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? Can any one of you by worrying add a single house to your life? And why do you worry about clothes? See how the flowers of the field grow? They do not labor or spin."
The point being enjoy life!!! Thank for the good Lord for each day!!!
