Today was one of those days for me, I had some decisions to make. First of all I had to wake up early and be out the door by eight so I could be at a doctors appointment by nine thirty. I kissed my son good-bye, gave final instructions to the nanny and out the door to drive about an hour away for an appointment that I was volunteering to do.
I got into the car and started to think about why I was driving up to the appointment. A few weeks ago I had agreed to be apart of a clinical study regarding breast cancer. The research behind the study is to prove a drug used by diabetics can help those affected by breast cancer. The study asks for volunteers to take a pill for up to five years and with blood work done every so often the doctors monitor the patients. The patients receive a pill, it can either be the drug or a placebo. The patient does not know what they are taking but will be told by the end of the study. The idea is to to see who lives longer and if there is any positive effect the drug is having on the those taking it. I decided to go ahead with the study since it may give me a chance to take a drug that could prolong my life. I discussed the study with my husband and my closest friends. All encouraged me to go ahead and join the study, although my husband was a bit hesitant. His excuse was it seemed like a lot of effort for volunteer work and he was concerned the drug might have some negative side effects.
Although my husband and friends were fine with me taking the study, I did not jump at the chance and say yes until I did get a clear answer from one important entity in my life, God. I recently decided to go to Him first before making any decision. I even go to Him before my husband. I want to do right by God and by my family. I received the call from the clinic asking if I wanted to join the trial and instead of going with my emotions I sat down (on the floor like always) and prayed. I asked God for a clear sign that this is what I needed to do. A couple of days later the clinic called back since I had not called them after the first message they left on my home machine.
I decided this must be a sign from God and went ahead and said yes to being apart of the study. I drove up one morning to fill out paper work, which took an hour of my time. It started out poorly too as the nurse told me that I may need scans and x rays. I insisted if these things are necessary I would not do the study since I did not want to sit on pins and needles when the results came back. The nurse sensed I was going to walk out and double checked her information. she was wrong and confirmed no scans or x rays. We moved on with the paper work and she said she would call me for blood work in about a week. I would need to fast the night before and morning of when they needed the blood work. I walked out with mixed emotions. The paperwork given to me kept mentioning if the cancer comes back and it is likely is may come back. I did not like reading this or having it in front of me. I wanted to put this behind me as best as I could. However, God did answer my prayer and it seemed he wanted me to do this study so I best listen to him.
So this morning I was asked to drive in for blood work and also I needed to fill out a twenty page questionnaire. I agreed but told the nurse I needed to be at an appointment down the coast by eleven.
I drove up the freeway and was listening to my favorite spiritual lecturer (Joyce Meyers) and she was talking about how your words and thoughts can affect your future. If you think things are going to be a certain way then they are. We have the power to control our thoughts and words and they should be connected to God. I started to cry as I listened to her because I was tired and worried. I want to be able to feel happy and positive about my situation but it can be quite difficult. I wish that I could say 'Everything is going to be alright' and move on with my life, but it is tough. I realized then that I was done with dwelling on the past, especially this past year. I need a break. I need a break from the mental issue of things, the physical aches and pains (especially mentioning to anyone that I have aches and pains because I am not allowed to have them or else a scan is issued) and the worry. I want to move on with my life, be the woman I was before only better. I want to live a carefree life like I used and feel I have my whole life ahead of me, instead of only seeing a dreary bleak outlook.
All of a sudden traffic came to a halt. I brushed the tears out of my eyes and grumbled, "Great traffic." It was not ordinary traffic either, it was gridlock. I sat for a few minutes, noticed the other lane was moving more often and switched lanes. The clock was ticking. I had twenty minutes to get to my appointment but I was still quite a distance away. I suddenly saw the lane next to me, free and clear, but that was because it was going the opposite direction that I needed to go, along with everyone else. The sign said 78 East to Ramona, my home town where my parents live. I sat there for a few minutes more and finally said to God, "I am done!!" I looked over to see if cars were coming and then looked back to the car on the opposite side of me, a cross hanging in the rear view mirror flashed in front of me as if to say, "Go ahead, make up your mind." In my gut I wanted to drive off and go home but my fear in my mind said I would be sorry and this could alter my life. I told my fear to be quiet.
"I am sorry God, I cannot do this study, I will do anything else to change but I will not do this study. I need to take care of my family." I said out loud and drove towards Ramona.
I could not get back on the freeway because the traffic was so bad. I could not find another way home except for the only way I knew which was to Ramona to my old home. I called my husband and told him what happened, he agreed and said to grab a coffee and relax. I left a message for the nurse and told her I may not be apart of the study after all. I then concentrated on the ride. It was a beautiful morning. I was driving in a valley filled with orange trees and ostrich farms. The hills around the valley were misty and the sun was shining down in a golden light. I kept seeing crosses on the road from churches and such. I kept talking to God and saying, "I need to move forward, I cannot be apart of a study that will see if I will be alive in five years." It just seemed like nonsense to me. My phone rang and it was the nurse, she seemed agitated. I apologized to her and explained what happened. She asked me what I would like to do. I paused, "I need to talk this over with my husband and I will call you back." I told her. She seemed fine but annoyed.
I called my dad and told him what was going on, he said, it is what it is, and felt bad that I was driving up the road so far out of my way. However, I was enjoying the ride, although I did feel like a crazy person.
I got to Ramona, which is a small town out east of San Diego. It is horse country and far from the beach community that I now live in. I saw the store I worked at when I was eighteen and saw the places I used to eat at or hang out at in school. I drove to Starbucks and got myself a hot chocolate. I then decided to drop my mom off a gift since she has been having a terrible time lately with some personal things.
I drove to my parents home and dropped the bag of Starbucks off at their front door, she was not there to answer the door. I prayed to God and said, "This is so much better than thinking of myself." Instead of going to the clinic and thinking about my body and what was going on with my life, I ended up on my mother's door step to give her something that might take the worries from her life.
I decided on my drive to my home that this is what I need to do now, take care of others and start living my life the way God intended for me to do. I need to change and become the faithful and loving person God wants me to be and move on with life.
A verse that motivated me this week is Proverbs 3 Verses 5 and 6, it reads, "Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him and he will make your paths straight." Amen!
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