Estrogen

Proverbs 2 Verse 10 and 11

For wisdom will enter your heart, and knowledge will be pleasant to your soul, discretion will protect you and understanding will guard you." 

It is my personal belief that hormones are partly to blame for my diagnosis. Of course having the gene helps to but I also feel the hormone factor plays a huge role.  I have always struggled with my hormones. When I was in my early twenties I felt the start of my hormones acting a bit our of sorts. I felt more moody and tired. I went to a doctor and asked what I could do to balance out my hormones. Although no blood work was done to confirm my hormones were out of sorts I just knew. The doctor offered for me to take an anti anxiety medicine to ease the situation. I staunchly refused knowing that would not help me, it would only mask what was happening. I was hoping the doctor would give me some herbal recipes ideas on how to balance the hormones. No such luck. I guess I was considered a crazy hormonal female.
I was on birth control for almost ten years and it seemed to ease my hormones. I enjoyed being on the pill and did not have any major side effects. For the most part my hormones were pretty well balanced. Then I decided as I got into my 30s I needed to stop being on the pill. The reason, once I got closer to 35 I knew it would be time to stop because women over the age of 35 should not be on the pill. It is too dangerous.
I then went off the pill. Bad idea.  My hormones were out of control. I was experiencing such high/low days and/or moments. One moment I would be crying over a TV commercial and the next laughing hysterically about something else. I knew something was not right. When I ovulated it hurt to the point I had to lay down and keep a heat pad on my belly and I was very tired. I went to see a doctor and they did an ultrasound and found nothing. The doctor suggested three options to ease my hormones...the pill, meds, or have a baby. I chose option number three of course with the help of my husband. I did not want to go back on the pill since I was so close to 35 and I did not want to be on meds. We were excited about the thought of having an addition to the family. We were not set for a long while on having children but then life seemed pretty bleak without the option of having a child.
We found out we were having a baby pretty soon after, since my hormones were so high it was easy to conceive.
A few months later we had a little boy and it was the best experience of my life. I held him in my arms after giving birth for about two hours straight. I could not believe this little being was my son. I chose to breast feed which he took to quite naturally. The next few months were quite tough from then on. I struggled with my hormones. I was even more unbalanced then before which is normal after having a baby. I went to my doctor and asked her if I could go back on the pill, the reason is having the baby did not help my problem it made it worse. My husband was tired of my hormonal triads and I was tired of feeling like a loony person.
My doctor put me on a pill and it helped a great deal because it helped ease my ovulation. I then decided a few months before my 34 birthday to go off of it because I was scared it would be dangerous. The yo yo effect of having unbalanced hormones was tiring and there was nothing anyone could do about it.
A friend of mine suggested I go to acupuncture so I decided to try this method of medicine. The lady, Amorah, was amazing. She is a natural healer and the acupuncture really helped calm down my hormones. Until one day I had a discovery after a visit. I left her office and felt a very bad vibe throughout my body. My instincts told me something was very wrong. I looked up at the sky as I was getting into my car and a voice said to me, "You are going to die." My blood ran cold and I tried to shake my feelings off but could not. I never felt such a feeling before and the voice was quite real. I drove home and told my husband something was wrong. He ignored my worry and said everything is fine that I am having a hormone issue again.
I called my friends and brother and told them about the experience. I thought maybe the acupuncture lady was opening up a doorway and letting in bad omens. My brother suggested I go to a Christian acupuncturist. I thought about it but decided against it. My friend suggested that I talk to Amorah about my experience the next time I saw her and not assume it is something negative she is putting forth onto me. I decided that would be the best way to go. I needed an explanation. I decided to call Amorah and tell her about my experience. Her response, I had connected with my mind, body and spirit. When the three are connected they can help for me to understand what may be happening to my body. I still did not understand but I did learn that I had the ability to open the door to the spiritual world and follow the instincts told to me if I chose to. It was a choice. I did not want that choice, it seemed like something that would allow bad things into my life.
I was on the fence about seeing Amorah again. I continued on with my week and enjoyed my family. One day my right breast was hurting. I could not understand why since it never hurt before. I felt it and touched it to see where the pain was leading to. The pain was leading the outer underside of the breast. I felt a huge lump. I stopped and thought, "What the heck!" I felt it again. It was there no doubt about it. It had not been there before. I called for my husband. I told him, "I found something, you need to look at it." He had me lay down and he pressed on the lump. His face showed a look of concern. I grew scared, "What is it?" I asked him. He sat up on his legs and looked at the area and then me, "Not sure, when did you first notice this?" I was starting to panic, "Just now, I have never felt something like this before." He was quiet and then said "We should have that looked at, I will put a call into radiology." I remember the sunny day growing dark and my heart sank. I was in trouble. This was not good. I started to cry. He hugged me and said, "It is probably a clogged milk duct or something like that, lets not get ahead of ourselves." He reassured me. I knew something was wrong.
It ended up being very wrong, and my body was trying to tell me all along. It was breast cancer. I was apart of the pink ribbon group now. I was now going to face a fight like I never had to fight before.
It brings me to today, I am now finished with my treatments, except for my daily pill of tamoxifen. I am estrogen positive, now you see why I think it has to do with hormones? Plus the hormones made the bad cells grow quite fast since I had it while I was pregnant. Hormones will do that. They are a double edged sword you can't live with them or without them.
So about a month ago I saw my OBGYN. She had blood work done for my hormones although the chemotherapy had stopped my ovulation process. I went in to see her and she said I was quite healthy except for one area that was a concern, my estrogen was up and it was up high. Too high for someone in my situation. She felt my system was starting up again and we needed to stop it.
That same feeling of dread came over me. All that fighting I did now I have to face more fighting. Is this ever going to end? I asked her what we should do and maybe it was the meds that were blocking the estrogen receptors. She said she would call my oncologist to see what he thought we should do since he may have better research on the issue. Her options however, if my other doctor felt it was alarming were to shut my ovaries down for a long while or remove my ovaries if that did not help. I was stunned. More fighting. More trying to slaughter the beast keep ahead of the cells. I felt like David facing Goliath although he did win that fight.
I went home, called my cancer survivor friends and talked to my husband. All were not sure what to make of the situation. My husband thought it was the meds causing the estrogen to be high since it had no where to go.
My OBGYN called the next day and confirmed it was the meds and my oncologist was not concerned. She said we would check again another time. I blew out a sigh of relief. However, the feeling inside me did not feel right about how this was ending. I had a feeling something more needed to be done. I could not stop thinking about it.
One morning, I prayed to God about it and asked him to show me the way. I want to live and to please give me an answer.
That morning, after that prayer I received my answer. I was on my way to lunch to visit with one of my dear friends who is also a breast cancer survivor. I saw the car in front of me with a cross hanging on the rear view mirror. I thought of God and realized he is with me. When I see crosses it is a sign to me that God is near.
Suddenly my phone rang, it was my doctor, my oncologist. He was calling out of the blue a week after the discussion of shutting down my hormones. I answered hesitantly, "Hello." I heard him say to me, "Hi Dana Dr. Polikoff, do you have a moment?" I grew scared, what the heck was he wanting? "Uh, yes what do you need." He chuckled sensing the fear in my voice, "There is nothing wrong, I just wanted to discuss with you your hormone levels." I was still hesitant but intrigued, "Yes they were quite high, but it is because of the meds, right?" I asked him.
He paused and said, "Well, not sure, we need to consider giving you shots to suppress your ovulation, you had too many lymph nodes involved for me to look the other way." He went on to say and this really caught my attention,"My gut tells me we need to do this."
My doctor, the science research number guy never talks like this. I knew I needed to get that shot. "Ok I will do it as soon as I can." I said. "I will put a request in and we will monitor your hormones." I said ok and thanked him for being diligent.
 I did not ask him what changed his mind or why he called today. I knew why. At that moment I was getting off of the freeway and the car in front of me,  a different one this time, had a cross hanging on the rear view mirror. I knew God was saying that he was taking care of me.
The rest of the day was a blur but a miracle in the making.
That afternoon I raced to the doctor clinic to get the shot. God was working with me the entire time. I found a parking spot up front, that never happens, the elevator door opened as I arrived, with no one on board. I went up to the nurses clinic and they said I would have to wait an hour to even see if they had the shot. I almost decided to wait another day but then said ok to waiting. I ran into my husband who was at clinic, by chance, and we had a smoothie together while I waited.
My doctor, OBGYN called during the hour and said if the clinic did not have the shot then to go to her office to get it. She was happy that I was getting the shot.
I went back to the clinic and they called my name, the nurse turned to me and apologized, "I am so sorry we do not have the shot here you have to go to OBGYN." I was already out the door before she finished. I ran up to the OBGYN clinic. I was first in line, the receptionist called me over, "Can I help you?" She asked.
"I need to get a Lupron shot." I said and added, "My doctor knows I am here." The lady typed on her computer and said, "You are lucky we do not have walk ins today normally and we were going to be closed but a meeting was cancelled." She told me to wait by the door for my name.
I knew God was there with me.
The nurse called me and she was very inspirational. She was faithful and knew what I needed to hear. "Now the shot I am giving to you has a color on it so you know you are receiving the right shot." She said to me, "The color is purple so each month look for the purple shot." I knew God was with me, purple means passion of the Christ, my dad told me this when I was first diagnosed. He looks for it when he is searching for God.
I almost started to cry, not because of the shot itself, but because I knew God was listening. I prayed and asked and he answered.
I called my dad on the way home. He said to me, "You have had a divine intervention." I smiled, "Yes indeed I have."
Later that night as I was getting ready for bed, I turned on the TV. The news hour on PBS was on. I was about to turn it when the announcer said, "And today legendary singer Andy Williams passed away." I continued to watch, "He was known for singing 'Moon River' and we thought we would play it for you this evening." I froze. I got the chills. The song came on and "Moon River" was heard throughout the room. My grandfather who passed away earlier in the year before I started treatment used to sing 'Moon River' to my dad when he was a child. It was one of his favorite songs. I have had it play randomly for me in times of trouble. I knew he was near too. Thank you God and thank you Grandpa for watching over me.

Detour

How do we make decisions? People have different ways of making up their minds on important and non important situations. For example, deciding to purchase a home is a big decision and it may take some time and discussion to make a move on either purchasing the home or not. An example of a small decision is more than likely what to watch on television while resting in the evening hours. People make hundreds of decisions a day and often without consulting anyone. 

Today was one of those days for me, I had some decisions to make. First of all I had to wake up early and be out the door by eight so I could be at a doctors appointment by nine thirty. I kissed my son good-bye, gave final instructions to the nanny and out the door to drive about an hour away for an appointment that I was volunteering to do. 

I got into the car and started to think about why I was driving up to the appointment. A few weeks ago I had agreed to be apart of a clinical study regarding breast cancer. The research behind the study is to prove a drug used by diabetics can help those affected by breast cancer. The study asks for volunteers to take a pill for up to five years and with blood work done every so often the doctors monitor the patients. The patients receive a pill, it can either be the drug or a placebo. The patient does not know what they are taking but will be told by the end of the study. The idea is to to see who lives longer and if there is any positive effect the drug is having on the those taking it. I decided to go ahead with the study since it may give me a chance to take a drug that could prolong my life. I discussed the study with my husband and my closest friends. All encouraged me to go ahead and join the study, although my husband was a bit hesitant. His excuse was it seemed like a lot of effort for volunteer work and he was concerned the drug might have some negative side effects. 

Although my husband and friends were fine with me taking the study, I did not jump at the chance and say yes until I did get a clear answer from one important entity in my life, God. I recently decided to go to Him first before making any decision. I even go to Him before my husband. I want to do right by God and by my family. I received the call from the clinic asking if I wanted to join the trial and instead of going with my emotions I sat down (on the floor like always) and prayed. I asked God for a clear sign that this is what I needed to do. A couple of days later the clinic called back since I had not called them after the first message they left on my home machine. 

I decided this must be a sign from God and went ahead and said yes to being apart of the study. I drove up one morning to fill out paper work, which took an hour of my time. It started out poorly too as the nurse told me that I may need scans and x rays. I insisted if these things are necessary I would not do the study since I did not want to sit on pins and needles when the results came back. The nurse sensed I was going to walk out and double checked her information. she was wrong and confirmed no scans or x rays. We moved on with the paper work and she said she would call me for blood work in about a week. I would need to fast the night before and morning of when they needed the blood work. I walked out with mixed emotions. The paperwork given to me kept mentioning if the cancer comes back and it is likely is may come back. I did not like reading this or having it in front of me. I wanted to put this behind me as best as I could. However, God did answer my prayer and it seemed he wanted me to do this study so I best listen to him. 

So this morning I was asked to drive in for blood work and also I needed to fill out a twenty page questionnaire. I agreed but told the nurse I needed to be at an appointment down the coast by eleven. 

I drove up the freeway and was listening to my favorite spiritual lecturer (Joyce Meyers) and she was talking about how your words and thoughts can affect your future. If you think things are going to be a certain way then they are. We have the power to control our thoughts and words and they should be connected to God. I started to cry as I listened to her because I was tired and worried. I want to be able to feel happy and positive about my situation but it can be quite difficult. I wish that I could say 'Everything is going to be alright' and move on with my life, but it is tough. I realized then that I was done with dwelling on the past, especially this past year. I need a break. I need a break from the mental issue of things, the physical aches and pains (especially mentioning to anyone that I have aches and pains because I am not allowed to have them or else a scan is issued) and the worry. I want to move on with my life, be the woman I was before only better. I want to live a carefree life like I used and feel I have my whole life ahead of me, instead of only seeing a dreary bleak outlook. 

All of a sudden traffic came to a halt. I brushed the tears out of my eyes and grumbled, "Great traffic." It was not ordinary traffic either, it was gridlock. I sat for a few minutes, noticed the other lane was moving more often and switched lanes. The clock was ticking. I had twenty minutes to get to my appointment but I was still quite a distance away. I suddenly saw the lane next to me, free and clear, but that was because it was going the opposite direction that I needed to go, along with everyone else. The sign said 78 East to Ramona, my home town where my parents live. I sat there for a few minutes more and finally said to God, "I am done!!" I looked over to see if cars were coming and then looked back to the car on the opposite side of me, a cross hanging in the rear view mirror flashed in front of me as if to say, "Go ahead, make up your mind." In my gut I wanted to drive off and go home but my fear in my mind said I would be sorry and this could alter my life. I told my fear to be quiet. 

"I am sorry God, I cannot do this study, I will do anything else to change but I will not do this study. I need to take care of my family." I said out loud and drove towards Ramona. 

I could not get back on the freeway because the traffic was so bad. I could not find another way home except for the only way I knew which was to Ramona to my old home. I called my husband and told him what happened, he agreed and said to grab a coffee and relax. I left a message for the nurse and told her I may not be apart of the study after all. I then concentrated on the ride. It was a beautiful morning. I was driving in a valley filled with orange trees and ostrich farms. The hills around the valley were misty and the sun was shining down in a golden light. I kept seeing crosses on the road from churches and such. I kept talking to God and saying, "I need to move forward, I cannot be apart of a study that will see if I will be alive in five years." It just seemed like nonsense to me. My phone rang and it was the nurse, she seemed agitated. I apologized to her and explained what happened. She asked me what I would like to do. I paused, "I need to talk this over with my husband and I will call you back." I told her. She seemed fine but annoyed. 

I called my dad and told him what was going on, he said, it is what it is, and felt bad that I was driving up the road so far out of my way. However, I was enjoying the ride, although I did feel like a crazy person. 

I got to Ramona, which is a small town out east of San Diego. It is horse country and far from the beach community that I now live in. I saw the store I worked at when I was eighteen and saw the places I used to eat at or hang out at in school. I drove to Starbucks and got myself a hot chocolate. I then decided to drop my mom off a gift since she has been having a terrible time lately with some personal things. 

I drove to my parents home and dropped the bag of Starbucks off at their front door, she was not there to answer the door. I prayed to God and said, "This is so much better than thinking of myself." Instead of going to the clinic and thinking about my body and what was going on with my life, I ended up on my mother's door step to give her something that might take the worries from her life. 

I decided on my drive to my home that this is what I need to do now, take care of others and start living my life the way God intended for me to do. I need to change and become the faithful and loving person God wants me to be and move on with life. 

A verse that motivated me this week is Proverbs 3 Verses 5 and 6, it reads, "Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him and he will make your paths straight." Amen!