"Do not anticipate trouble, or worry about what may never happen. Keep in the sunlight." Benjamin Franklin
I have to say today has been a bit tough for Patrick and myself. The nanny P grew to know and love left us last week. I am heartbroken for him, especially when he constantly asks for her. This morning was a typical Monday morning and he is used to her showing up around breakfast time. The doorbell rang and he got excited yelling, "CeeCee!" I had to tell him, "No it is not CeeCee it is Yoli!" He was not too happy when he saw a different person, his new nanny, coming into the house and not his beloved CeeCee.
CeeCee, or Celia, was a sweet lady with many years of nanny experience, she took care of my son while I was going through chemotherapy. She comes from Tijuana, a border town in Mexico next to San Diego. It is a tough place to be born and raised but she was able to get through life, raise her only son without a father, and now see him raising his own family. She has a magical way with children. My husband in fact was amazed at her energy level she would exude by the end of the day. He would walk in from work wanting to nap and he would see her running around with our son in the front yard like she just drank ten shots of espresso. He would look at me and say, "How does she do it?" I would always shrug, especially during the days I was wore out from chemo. CeeCee would walk around the house constantly chattering with my son, who would develop the same 'lingo' as her. If he spilled something or broke a toy she would say, "Oh No Patrick" and he would repeat her not just for that moment but everyday there after. There was one phrase that he adopted and still yells around the house, "Ay yy yy." She taught him words and would take him on nature walks around the neighborhood. He would come running into my room with flowers and yell, "Mama" I knew she encouraged him to give the flowers to me, and they made my day especially on the days I was laying in bed thinking how alone I felt. Celia had a way of putting him down for bed, I tried to show her my way when she started and she pretty much ignored my instructions and did what she knew would work for her. She would hold him and hum and pat his back. It would work 98 percent of the time. It was nice to have her take care of him and get him to sleep so I could rest., even if she ignored my instructions on how to go about getting him to bed.
Now CeeCee taught me quite a bit, we butted heads at times because both of us wanted to be the boss. It was tough having someone else in the home who wanted to be in charge of my son. I grew frustrated at times with her routines in the home of not cleaning up after breakfast, rather she would go for a walk with Patrick and leave the mess in the sink. I would also become agitated when she would take him from the house and not tell me where they were going. I sometimes would call and check in and ask where they were and she would say, "We are on a walk" I would think, "Yes I know but where!!!"
As the weeks and slowly months went by I developed a liking for CeeCee. I saw most importantly that my son loved her. I am happy when he is happy and that is all that really matters at the end of the day. I started to realize the dishes in the sink can wait, the floors can be swept later, my son and his happiness come first. CeeCee even began to mother me and make sure that I was eating and resting. She would check on me during the days that I was laying in bed unable to move because of the toxic chemicals that had ransacked my body. She saw me at my worst moments that no one, not even my own mother, has seen and would not want to see. She would smile and give me a pat on the back on my good days when I managed to dress up a bit and put some make up on.
She gave me hugs as I went out the door to my therapy appointments in tears not wanting to go but would rather stay home and take care of my son. She would see how tired and drugged up I was coming home from the appointments and would whisk Patrick into the other room to feed him and give me a moment to get into bed to pass out.
She would say for me to pray for strength not just healing, but strength from God and he will give it to me. She would read her Bible on the couch during Patrick's nap times and I would ask her what she was reading, which encouraged me to read my Bible too.
We would laugh about some of the crazy current events taking place around us and I would share with her some of my healing recipes, which she thought were just nuts. I cried the day she said she was leaving us, as I held my feverish son, he was not feeling well after a bad cold. She was very upset and near tears as she told me she needed to leave us for a job that would be able to offer her health care coverage. I tried to think quick as to what I could counter but there was nothing that I could do. The job also offered her a few more years of job security since the lady of the house was having another baby in a few months. P will hopefully not need a nanny in a couple of years, unless of course my condition goes south.
I grew bitter towards the end of her three week notice, I tried not to think badly about her decision in leaving us. I really understood. I have been in similar situations myself and did not want to disappoint anyone but in life it happens. The season of CeeCee has come to a close. Did I get anything from this experience? I guess you could tell by what I wrote that yes I did. I know most moms may think this person was just a nanny, an employee, but to me anyone who enters this home and is allowed to care for my son becomes more than a stranger or employee, they become family. Also, each of us have people who come and go throughout life...think about why these people are put there. Is there a reason? I think CeeCee was put in my life to teach me many things about motherhood. I have grown more patient as a person and I don't need a perfect home everyday. The people in my family and their happiness is more important than a finely cooked meal or if the bed is perfectly made. I now do not expect my husband to carry on around the house in a tizzy to make sure everything is perfect. Of course, I do draw the line with some things but mostly I like to watch my family play and interact with one another and to create memories. We cannot get these days back so enjoy them while you can!!! Last, I devote this blog to Celia for caring for my son and loving him like her own. I wish her the very best.
Monday, July 30, 2012
Tuesday, July 17, 2012
Officially Day One
'That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, I am strong.' 2Corinthians 12:10
Survival is the first thing I think about in the mornings. Of course it comes after I talk to God then I get my son up kiss my husband good morning and start my day. I am on a journey to get back into shape. I have endured six months of chemotherapy due to a breast cancer found in the Fall of 2011. I am now currently undergoing five weeks of radiation and then I take an anti hormone pill for five years. I appreciate and respect Western medicine. One should not ignore or look the other way to offerings that may help keep them alive. It is like the story I tell my friends that I once heard, a man was in his home and flood waters were rising around him. He prayed to God for help and as he did so he climbed to the roof of his home. He sat waiting for God's help. A boat came by and they offered to pick the man up, he refused and said, "God will save me" A few minutes later as the flood waters were still rising ominously, another boat came by to offer help, the man once again refused. The man ended up not making it and in heaven the man asked God, "Why did you not save me?" The Lord said to him, "I sent you two boats, why did you not get in?" The same goes for the medicines offered to patients. Yes, there are side effects and risks. I was told with radiation I may have another type of cancer develop in 20 years. I told my radiation oncologist, "I hope that I lucky enough to be here in 20 years, I need to think of right now and what is best for my family today." So as I take the medicines offered by my doctors and endure the physical and mental issues that came attached
I have decided to take matters into my own hands too. First, I believe in Eastern medicines and treatments. For example, acupuncture. I have been going to acupunture for one year, it helped me to balance my hormones and to discover the lump in my breast. I believe it is beneficial to those who are willing to try it out. Acupuncture helps to relieve the energy that can be stored up or blocked in certain areas of the body. It is not good for these areas to remain blocked because physical ailments can soon follow. I also believe in eating greens and cutting sugars from the everyday diet. I mean processed sugars too, not natural sugar. I found eating healthy is helpful and the headaches I used to receive most days are now gone. This is coming from someone who used to eat candy everyday and eat drive through Mexican food two times a week at most. I have since then stopped eating candy and stopped the drive thru mexican food. In that time I have lost six pounds. This is necessary when fighting cancer...many women gain weight during chemotherapy and this does not help the body out and so the cancer cells are able to grow when the body is so busy trying to process energy produced by the bad foods and store it as fat. I am not a doctor, my husband is, but I do what I feel is helping my body out the best. So far eating better and going to treatments are making me feel much better both physically and mentally. Now the final issue that I have been tackling is going back to the gym. I started to go back while I was in chemotherapy. I was in the middle of my 12 rounds of Taxol and I was tired of being in bed. I needed to get out and get moving. My belly looked flabby and I was grouchy most days. I called up my gym and told them about my situation. I remember asking the manager if they are used to helping women out recovering from breast cancer treatment. She said, "Yes, but not someone this young." I was stunned. I remember telling my husband and his response was, "Well most thirty year olds are comfortable with going to the gym on their own after treatments." I decided to go ahead and sign up for private training sessions.
I went to the gym with a scarf and hat on. My trainer Danielle was quite encouraging and honest. We had to figure out which exercises were best for me, especially since I had all of my lymph nodes removed from my right arm, one needs to be careful due to possible swelling of the arm.
As days went on with training I started to feel better and more active. I was still not feeling my best but I made myself get to the gym, I may have even cried somedays as I drove there because I did not feel great. However, after each session I felt awesome. I felt good about myself and it was nice to be out among the masses again. One day I was at home with my husband and he mentioned a mini sprint triatholon coming up in the fall in our hometown. It seemed managable, 500 meter swim, 10 mile bike, 3 mile run. I am a runner and have ran in events before. I told him this is what I wanted to do. However, I told him that he would need to do it with me. He said ok and we signed up. I needed him to sign up to for motivation. I asked my trainer about it and she said,"why not? All you can do is try!"
So here I am, it is July, I am one month out from my last treatment. I am undergoing radation and I am trying my best to train for the event being held the last week of September. I am far away from my goal for all events. I am a terrible athletic swimmer, and the biking part was not so great, I spent a morning falling on the ground and enduring painful bruises after realizing clip in shoes are not easy. So instead of training wheels, I put pedals on finally and went for a ride down the street. The running part is the only part I seem to be doing ok with, except I have sciatic nerve and neuropathy from the chemotherapy. This means my feet hurt and are numb at times to the point advil does not help. However, with the persistance of my trainer and my husband I am chugging along. Today, my trainer looked me in the eyes and said, "You need to start swimming everyday" So here I am after a training session this morning i will be heading the pool to swim laps.
Update: It has been a few months since this post and I have had to stop my training for a bit. I was experiencing set backs and needed to slow things down. I have since then decided to go back to training but slowly. It takes a good year or two to recover from therapy. I need to take it one day at a time. I hope to join in a bike race or half marathon someday but not this year.
Survival is the first thing I think about in the mornings. Of course it comes after I talk to God then I get my son up kiss my husband good morning and start my day. I am on a journey to get back into shape. I have endured six months of chemotherapy due to a breast cancer found in the Fall of 2011. I am now currently undergoing five weeks of radiation and then I take an anti hormone pill for five years. I appreciate and respect Western medicine. One should not ignore or look the other way to offerings that may help keep them alive. It is like the story I tell my friends that I once heard, a man was in his home and flood waters were rising around him. He prayed to God for help and as he did so he climbed to the roof of his home. He sat waiting for God's help. A boat came by and they offered to pick the man up, he refused and said, "God will save me" A few minutes later as the flood waters were still rising ominously, another boat came by to offer help, the man once again refused. The man ended up not making it and in heaven the man asked God, "Why did you not save me?" The Lord said to him, "I sent you two boats, why did you not get in?" The same goes for the medicines offered to patients. Yes, there are side effects and risks. I was told with radiation I may have another type of cancer develop in 20 years. I told my radiation oncologist, "I hope that I lucky enough to be here in 20 years, I need to think of right now and what is best for my family today." So as I take the medicines offered by my doctors and endure the physical and mental issues that came attached
I have decided to take matters into my own hands too. First, I believe in Eastern medicines and treatments. For example, acupuncture. I have been going to acupunture for one year, it helped me to balance my hormones and to discover the lump in my breast. I believe it is beneficial to those who are willing to try it out. Acupuncture helps to relieve the energy that can be stored up or blocked in certain areas of the body. It is not good for these areas to remain blocked because physical ailments can soon follow. I also believe in eating greens and cutting sugars from the everyday diet. I mean processed sugars too, not natural sugar. I found eating healthy is helpful and the headaches I used to receive most days are now gone. This is coming from someone who used to eat candy everyday and eat drive through Mexican food two times a week at most. I have since then stopped eating candy and stopped the drive thru mexican food. In that time I have lost six pounds. This is necessary when fighting cancer...many women gain weight during chemotherapy and this does not help the body out and so the cancer cells are able to grow when the body is so busy trying to process energy produced by the bad foods and store it as fat. I am not a doctor, my husband is, but I do what I feel is helping my body out the best. So far eating better and going to treatments are making me feel much better both physically and mentally. Now the final issue that I have been tackling is going back to the gym. I started to go back while I was in chemotherapy. I was in the middle of my 12 rounds of Taxol and I was tired of being in bed. I needed to get out and get moving. My belly looked flabby and I was grouchy most days. I called up my gym and told them about my situation. I remember asking the manager if they are used to helping women out recovering from breast cancer treatment. She said, "Yes, but not someone this young." I was stunned. I remember telling my husband and his response was, "Well most thirty year olds are comfortable with going to the gym on their own after treatments." I decided to go ahead and sign up for private training sessions.
I went to the gym with a scarf and hat on. My trainer Danielle was quite encouraging and honest. We had to figure out which exercises were best for me, especially since I had all of my lymph nodes removed from my right arm, one needs to be careful due to possible swelling of the arm.
As days went on with training I started to feel better and more active. I was still not feeling my best but I made myself get to the gym, I may have even cried somedays as I drove there because I did not feel great. However, after each session I felt awesome. I felt good about myself and it was nice to be out among the masses again. One day I was at home with my husband and he mentioned a mini sprint triatholon coming up in the fall in our hometown. It seemed managable, 500 meter swim, 10 mile bike, 3 mile run. I am a runner and have ran in events before. I told him this is what I wanted to do. However, I told him that he would need to do it with me. He said ok and we signed up. I needed him to sign up to for motivation. I asked my trainer about it and she said,"why not? All you can do is try!"
So here I am, it is July, I am one month out from my last treatment. I am undergoing radation and I am trying my best to train for the event being held the last week of September. I am far away from my goal for all events. I am a terrible athletic swimmer, and the biking part was not so great, I spent a morning falling on the ground and enduring painful bruises after realizing clip in shoes are not easy. So instead of training wheels, I put pedals on finally and went for a ride down the street. The running part is the only part I seem to be doing ok with, except I have sciatic nerve and neuropathy from the chemotherapy. This means my feet hurt and are numb at times to the point advil does not help. However, with the persistance of my trainer and my husband I am chugging along. Today, my trainer looked me in the eyes and said, "You need to start swimming everyday" So here I am after a training session this morning i will be heading the pool to swim laps.
Update: It has been a few months since this post and I have had to stop my training for a bit. I was experiencing set backs and needed to slow things down. I have since then decided to go back to training but slowly. It takes a good year or two to recover from therapy. I need to take it one day at a time. I hope to join in a bike race or half marathon someday but not this year.
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