Matthew 6: 27-29 Can all your worries add a single moment to your life? And why worry about your clothing? Look at the lilies of the field and how they grow. They don't work or make their clothing, yet Soloman in all his glory was not dressed as beautifully as they are."
As we start our new battle and the ammunition is being evaluated and ordered I am coming to terms with my new life. I used to be a 'regular person'. What do I mean by 'regular person'? Well, I mean that I used to drive home in traffic and groan about how late I was going to be for class or getting somewhere important. I used to plan the weekends on Tuesday afternoons and think about all the things that needed to get done around the house. I did not have to worry about wearing a hat to cover my head because my hair was long and I could brush it, now it is just a big ball of fuzz. I used to complain about the small stuff and hold grudges against those that really did not need to be made such a deal about. I lost friendships because of my near sightedness. I was human and I am still human, just with a chronic condition.
I went to see my counselor today and she asked me, "How can you live with the idea of having terminal cancer." I looked at her alarmed, "I don't have terminal cancer." I replied.
She nodded and said, "I know but what if you did, how would you react to that information?"
I sat there stumped. I then replied, "Well I guess then I would just deal with it." I then realized there are many people living with terminal illness's like cancer today that are 'regular people' too. They just have to stay on top of their physical well being.
I never used to have to worry about my physical self. I used to complain about gaining weight here or there but for the most part I could eat whatever and be whatever.
My counselor then asked, "What if you only had 24 hours to live, what would you do?" I thought about it and replied, "I would take my family to Disneyland and eat all the best food possible and enjoy myself." I then started to cry, she said, "Then you need to do that now, even if you are not terminally ill, you need to live your life even with this hanging over your head."
I started to cry and said, "I did do that and have been doing that, in fact we took my son to Disneyland this summer." I laughed and said, "Everyone kept telling my husband, he is too young to wait another couple of years but we don't have the luxury to do that." My counselor then prodded me, "Do you think anyone really has the luxury to wait until their child is older?" I thought about it and said, "No I guess not." She smiled and said, "We only have today, all of us, some of us have tougher roads to walk then others but we all have the same circumstances."
The point is, don't wait until your child is four to go to Disneyland because that is when they will be tall enough to ride the rides, go when you feel like it, because you may not have that chance when your child is four. If you feel like traveling with your child to Europe (OK a bit of a stretch here for the young toddler parents) then go for it because who knows what next year holds. We all are on the same boat heading for the same destination, live it as abundantly as you possibly can.
I have decided that I do have a chronic health issue, it comes and goes but I need to take care of it when it is here..like that pesky relative that comes to visit on occasion. I have been sad and hoping to go back to being the girl who used to blare her horn at the slow person in front of her but really I would say I like the person I am now and now is the time to live.
Tuesday, November 27, 2012
Wednesday, November 21, 2012
New Sister In Faith
Two days ago I decided to get my nails done since it had been too long. I was pretty tired out from all the stress we have been experiencing but decided I needed to get this done. I have been going to my nail shop for about six years now and know all of the ladies. They are like family to me.
I walked into the shop and they were busy, but I picked my color out and sat down in one of the spa chairs next to another patron. My lady Cathy gave me a hug and asked, "How are you doing?" I looked at her and said in the most honest way I could, "I am fine although I have to start treatment again." She gave me a concerned look, "Why? What happened?"
"Well I found a spot in my neck and it is not good so we are getting it tested and need to see if we can treat it." I said.
The lady next to me looked up and asked, "Breast cancer?" I nodded and asked her, "Are you a survivor?"
She said in a southern twang, "Oh Lord yes, been there done that!!!" I smiled at her and said, "Yes me too I guess."
She asked me what treatment and such I had and then I asked her about her cancer.
"I have been through it all, at age 20 I had ovarian cancer then melanoma." She blew on her nails and then looked up and continued, "Then at 30 I had breast cancer and melanoma again and now I have stage two colon cancer."
I was astounded and felt my blip in the road was nothing compared to what this lady has accomplished.
"I also lost my husband last year and that has been the most difficult thing for me to go through." I could not believe it, she was married for thirty years and her husband had seen her through all of those crazy days of cancer yet she outlived him.
She teared up, "I cannot throw away his clothes." I nodded sympathetically and said, "I understand that can be quite difficult."
She was alone except for her sister in Georgia and her dog, no children since she had her ovaries removed before she was married.
She turned to me and said, "Are you planning on having any more children?" I looked at her puzzled, "No...I cannot at this point." She then said very sternly, "Then have your ovaries removed since your cancer was driven by estrogen." I nodded and said, "It is being considered."
I then turned to her and said, "You know I think God put you here today to talk to me." She smiled and said, "I have heard that before too and yes I do believe that is possible."
I have been lately coming to terms with the fact that my life has changed. I no longer have the carefree days of not worrying about my health. I need to keep up with my health and if that means tests, scans and occasional treatment then that is fine.
I left the nail shop with my new friend and we hugged. She turned to me and said, "We are sisters in Christ." I nodded and we said good-bye. The Lord certainly does work in mysterious ways.
I walked into the shop and they were busy, but I picked my color out and sat down in one of the spa chairs next to another patron. My lady Cathy gave me a hug and asked, "How are you doing?" I looked at her and said in the most honest way I could, "I am fine although I have to start treatment again." She gave me a concerned look, "Why? What happened?"
"Well I found a spot in my neck and it is not good so we are getting it tested and need to see if we can treat it." I said.
The lady next to me looked up and asked, "Breast cancer?" I nodded and asked her, "Are you a survivor?"
She said in a southern twang, "Oh Lord yes, been there done that!!!" I smiled at her and said, "Yes me too I guess."
She asked me what treatment and such I had and then I asked her about her cancer.
"I have been through it all, at age 20 I had ovarian cancer then melanoma." She blew on her nails and then looked up and continued, "Then at 30 I had breast cancer and melanoma again and now I have stage two colon cancer."
I was astounded and felt my blip in the road was nothing compared to what this lady has accomplished.
"I also lost my husband last year and that has been the most difficult thing for me to go through." I could not believe it, she was married for thirty years and her husband had seen her through all of those crazy days of cancer yet she outlived him.
She teared up, "I cannot throw away his clothes." I nodded sympathetically and said, "I understand that can be quite difficult."
She was alone except for her sister in Georgia and her dog, no children since she had her ovaries removed before she was married.
She turned to me and said, "Are you planning on having any more children?" I looked at her puzzled, "No...I cannot at this point." She then said very sternly, "Then have your ovaries removed since your cancer was driven by estrogen." I nodded and said, "It is being considered."
I then turned to her and said, "You know I think God put you here today to talk to me." She smiled and said, "I have heard that before too and yes I do believe that is possible."
I have been lately coming to terms with the fact that my life has changed. I no longer have the carefree days of not worrying about my health. I need to keep up with my health and if that means tests, scans and occasional treatment then that is fine.
I left the nail shop with my new friend and we hugged. She turned to me and said, "We are sisters in Christ." I nodded and we said good-bye. The Lord certainly does work in mysterious ways.
Tuesday, November 20, 2012
Guardian Angels
I don't normally look for angels or have many angel figurines around our house. I do believe we all have a spiritual being sent down by God to protect us and guide us. I have had many instances where something has told me to slow down while driving or look up while crossing the street to avoid a bad situation. I know that there is something guiding me along this life and it is connected to God and his Will.
This past week or so we have been experiencing a set back with my health. At this time we are waiting for test results and scans to see what we will be doing for treatment. It is a journey we have taken before, exactly one year ago. In fact, my tests this week fell on the anniversary of my diagnosis from a year ago. It feels like I am in the movie 'Ground Hog Day' with Bill Murray. If you are not familiar with the movie, you should rent, it is quite frustrating but funny as a man keeps waking up to the same day which happens to be 'Groundhog Day'. Well, this is how my life has been this past week.
The reason I feel there is a divine presence in my life even though yes I am going through another trial situation with my health is because of two individual stories that took place right after we found out.
The first story takes place the day after we had figured out we were going to be facing another turbulent time. It was a Sunday and I had did not sleep well the night before. I was online looking up information about our problem and trying to reason how it could not be cancer again. Especially so soon after I had finished treatment. The next morning I lay in bed not wanting to be apart of life. My husband was feeding our son his breakfast in the front room. I was quite depressed. The phone rang and it was my Dad, who knew we were going to be facing more treatment since I had told him the night before.
He asked me what I was doing and I said that I was in bed too tired to get out. He got upset with me and said that I needed to get up and enjoy the day with my family. I was wasting precious time by spending in bed sad and depressed. He said that I needed to appreciate my family and be the person that I have always been known to be and that was definitely not a quitter. I grew inspired and agreed with him and thought to myself, I am letting this disease get the best of me by sitting here on this beautiful day and not being with my family. I got up and went out and asked my husband what the plans were and he said lets take a drive up the coast and stop for brunch. I liked the sound of that and we went off for a beautiful drive. The sun was out and the ocean was sparkling as we drove up the coast. We stopped at a small diner and had breakfast and watched the coaster go by which our son loved to see.
I was still quite depressed but kept my chin up and as the day wore on I started feeling more normal again. I was not fearful or sad, it was a day to spend with my family.
We decided to go to In N Out Burger for dinner last minute since we were quite tired from the stress.
At the restaurant I sat with my son while my husband got our food. I was playing with my son and he threw his hat off his head. I picked it up and caught the eye of another patron who was sitting facing us eating his food. He was an older gentleman who looked like he was a grandfather. He smiled at me and said, "he does not want his hat on." I smiled back and put the hat back on my son's head and said, "Well I am his mom and he needs his hat on." The gentleman then said to me, "Enjoy these years because they go by quite fast." I agreed with him and my husband at this point was starting to approach the table.
The man all of a sudden said out of the blue to me, "You are a teacher." I looked over at him and chills ran down my back. He had a strange look on his face and I felt too confused to answer him. I am a teacher, but have not been teaching for a couple of years. How did he know that? He said it again, "You are a teacher." He got up and came over to our table where my husband was at this point putting our food on the table. The gentleman pointed at my son and said, "You are a teacher of him and also.." He turned to my husband and said, "And to him." I sat and looked at him and listened. He then said, "God Bless You." He gave me a concerning look as if he knew what we were going through, as if he knew what we were feeling at that moment.
He then walked out of the restaurant. My husband, who does not believe in Angels or God said, "You know that guy is the type that could be an angel sent from God." I just looked at him and could not believe he said that. He never said things like that before.
I did call my Dad after dinner and told him about the encounter. He teared up and said, "You just had another divine intervention." I then realized with this encounter I need to be an example to my family. I need to be strong and no matter what circumstances develop I need to keep them together. The Lord will take care of us as long as I follow Him and listen to his word. As the scripture says, "I can do everything through Christ who gives me strength."
The next day I was out running errands by myself. I was on my home from the store when at a four way stop an older man was standing out on the street with a sign that read, "WWII Vet need ride up street to my home." He had a cane and looked feeble. I never pick people up and in fact would be the advocate of don't speak to strangers. I looked at him as I stopped my car and he looked at me. He reached for my car door and I waved him in. He got into the car and said, "I will make sure to put on my seat belt so you don't get a ticket." I waited until he was in the car and drove off. I asked him, "What are you doing wandering around the street by yourself?" He said, "My wife is in a care facility and is not doing well. I just want to see her." I felt for him and said, "I am very sorry to hear that."
He looked around my car and said, "Say this is a zippy car." I smiled and said, "Yes I am surprised that I did not get a ticket yet in this thing." I then decided to ask him about the War. I have to say, for those of you who do not know me, WWII is one of my favorite historical generations to study and talk about.
"Where did you serve in the war?" I asked him. He answered, "In the Atlantic on a destroyer, I was in the navy." I told him about my grandfather who served on Okinawa. The man said, "That was a hell of a fight, the Japs had their backs to walls." I thought about my grandfather who survived that fight. He went days without food and saw men blown to bits right before his eyes. It was a tough battle but he got through it, they almost had to go to battle on the mainland of Japan after the fight too, however the bombs were dropped and he was saved.
I stopped the car and turned the man and said, "God Bless You." He cut me off and said, "God Bless You and you know something good will come of this for you." He got out and walked away. I felt like he was put in my life at that moment to remind me that I need to remember the fight my grandfather had to fight and how he held his own even against all odds. I hope this gentleman is right, that good will come our way.
One more small story I would like to share before I close this update is regarding the signs of crosses I see, which show up whenever God wants to tell me he is near. I always see a cross when I am feeling doubtful or when a tragic event or change is about to take place.
The other day I was at a field trip with my son's school. We were at a harvest hike which was beautiful on such a bright fall day. I was walking along with my son who was of course taking his time, investigating all of the rocks and branches on the trail. I had a couple of moms with me and we chatted about life. It was a beautful setting, minus the poison oak that was growing alongside the trail.
As we walked along I did my very best to not think about our scary situation that we were in. I tried to concentrate on the moment. There was one moment that I really started to let my thoughts get away from me and as I tried to shake it off I looked down and on the ground right in front of me was a rock with a cross on it. I bent down to double check and sure enough it had a cross on it, right in front of me. I then realized God was saying, "Enjoy the day, do not worry since one more moment cannot be added to your life with worry." I shook off the fear and continued down the amber leaf trail with my son. God will take care of it all.
This past week or so we have been experiencing a set back with my health. At this time we are waiting for test results and scans to see what we will be doing for treatment. It is a journey we have taken before, exactly one year ago. In fact, my tests this week fell on the anniversary of my diagnosis from a year ago. It feels like I am in the movie 'Ground Hog Day' with Bill Murray. If you are not familiar with the movie, you should rent, it is quite frustrating but funny as a man keeps waking up to the same day which happens to be 'Groundhog Day'. Well, this is how my life has been this past week.
The reason I feel there is a divine presence in my life even though yes I am going through another trial situation with my health is because of two individual stories that took place right after we found out.
The first story takes place the day after we had figured out we were going to be facing another turbulent time. It was a Sunday and I had did not sleep well the night before. I was online looking up information about our problem and trying to reason how it could not be cancer again. Especially so soon after I had finished treatment. The next morning I lay in bed not wanting to be apart of life. My husband was feeding our son his breakfast in the front room. I was quite depressed. The phone rang and it was my Dad, who knew we were going to be facing more treatment since I had told him the night before.
He asked me what I was doing and I said that I was in bed too tired to get out. He got upset with me and said that I needed to get up and enjoy the day with my family. I was wasting precious time by spending in bed sad and depressed. He said that I needed to appreciate my family and be the person that I have always been known to be and that was definitely not a quitter. I grew inspired and agreed with him and thought to myself, I am letting this disease get the best of me by sitting here on this beautiful day and not being with my family. I got up and went out and asked my husband what the plans were and he said lets take a drive up the coast and stop for brunch. I liked the sound of that and we went off for a beautiful drive. The sun was out and the ocean was sparkling as we drove up the coast. We stopped at a small diner and had breakfast and watched the coaster go by which our son loved to see.
I was still quite depressed but kept my chin up and as the day wore on I started feeling more normal again. I was not fearful or sad, it was a day to spend with my family.
We decided to go to In N Out Burger for dinner last minute since we were quite tired from the stress.
At the restaurant I sat with my son while my husband got our food. I was playing with my son and he threw his hat off his head. I picked it up and caught the eye of another patron who was sitting facing us eating his food. He was an older gentleman who looked like he was a grandfather. He smiled at me and said, "he does not want his hat on." I smiled back and put the hat back on my son's head and said, "Well I am his mom and he needs his hat on." The gentleman then said to me, "Enjoy these years because they go by quite fast." I agreed with him and my husband at this point was starting to approach the table.
The man all of a sudden said out of the blue to me, "You are a teacher." I looked over at him and chills ran down my back. He had a strange look on his face and I felt too confused to answer him. I am a teacher, but have not been teaching for a couple of years. How did he know that? He said it again, "You are a teacher." He got up and came over to our table where my husband was at this point putting our food on the table. The gentleman pointed at my son and said, "You are a teacher of him and also.." He turned to my husband and said, "And to him." I sat and looked at him and listened. He then said, "God Bless You." He gave me a concerning look as if he knew what we were going through, as if he knew what we were feeling at that moment.
He then walked out of the restaurant. My husband, who does not believe in Angels or God said, "You know that guy is the type that could be an angel sent from God." I just looked at him and could not believe he said that. He never said things like that before.
I did call my Dad after dinner and told him about the encounter. He teared up and said, "You just had another divine intervention." I then realized with this encounter I need to be an example to my family. I need to be strong and no matter what circumstances develop I need to keep them together. The Lord will take care of us as long as I follow Him and listen to his word. As the scripture says, "I can do everything through Christ who gives me strength."
The next day I was out running errands by myself. I was on my home from the store when at a four way stop an older man was standing out on the street with a sign that read, "WWII Vet need ride up street to my home." He had a cane and looked feeble. I never pick people up and in fact would be the advocate of don't speak to strangers. I looked at him as I stopped my car and he looked at me. He reached for my car door and I waved him in. He got into the car and said, "I will make sure to put on my seat belt so you don't get a ticket." I waited until he was in the car and drove off. I asked him, "What are you doing wandering around the street by yourself?" He said, "My wife is in a care facility and is not doing well. I just want to see her." I felt for him and said, "I am very sorry to hear that."
He looked around my car and said, "Say this is a zippy car." I smiled and said, "Yes I am surprised that I did not get a ticket yet in this thing." I then decided to ask him about the War. I have to say, for those of you who do not know me, WWII is one of my favorite historical generations to study and talk about.
"Where did you serve in the war?" I asked him. He answered, "In the Atlantic on a destroyer, I was in the navy." I told him about my grandfather who served on Okinawa. The man said, "That was a hell of a fight, the Japs had their backs to walls." I thought about my grandfather who survived that fight. He went days without food and saw men blown to bits right before his eyes. It was a tough battle but he got through it, they almost had to go to battle on the mainland of Japan after the fight too, however the bombs were dropped and he was saved.
I stopped the car and turned the man and said, "God Bless You." He cut me off and said, "God Bless You and you know something good will come of this for you." He got out and walked away. I felt like he was put in my life at that moment to remind me that I need to remember the fight my grandfather had to fight and how he held his own even against all odds. I hope this gentleman is right, that good will come our way.
One more small story I would like to share before I close this update is regarding the signs of crosses I see, which show up whenever God wants to tell me he is near. I always see a cross when I am feeling doubtful or when a tragic event or change is about to take place.
The other day I was at a field trip with my son's school. We were at a harvest hike which was beautiful on such a bright fall day. I was walking along with my son who was of course taking his time, investigating all of the rocks and branches on the trail. I had a couple of moms with me and we chatted about life. It was a beautful setting, minus the poison oak that was growing alongside the trail.
As we walked along I did my very best to not think about our scary situation that we were in. I tried to concentrate on the moment. There was one moment that I really started to let my thoughts get away from me and as I tried to shake it off I looked down and on the ground right in front of me was a rock with a cross on it. I bent down to double check and sure enough it had a cross on it, right in front of me. I then realized God was saying, "Enjoy the day, do not worry since one more moment cannot be added to your life with worry." I shook off the fear and continued down the amber leaf trail with my son. God will take care of it all.
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