#nowplaying i'm gonna love you through it - martina mcbride #lyrics @elyrics
Found this today and read it to my husband. He has done more than his fair share thru this journey with me.
I did not know this song existed until tonight when I turned on The Voice. One of the contestants came on soon after I turned on the show and she sang this song. I remember thinking to myself, this seems like my story. I decided to look it up and it was pretty much my story in a nutshell.
It has been a good day but some tough stories to hear about. The Angelina Jolie story has made me realize how lucky some can be when it comes to cancer. She was lucky enough to figure out she has a gene that could give her breast cancer. Although it is still scary and she had to still go thru surgery and change her body. It is not easy stuff. I am sure she was scared and thinking of her children.
I also had another story on my mind tonight that goes with the other. A kindergarten teacher at my son's school passed away yesterday unexpectantly. When I heard the news I was not sure if she was older or younger. Well, today I found out she was only 41 and was also pregnant. She passed away in her sleep. The school is terribly hurt and destroyed by this news and the children are taking it very hard that were in her class. I pray for her family and her students. This life is a funny thing. One never knows where they stand in it all one can do is live by their faith and try not to live in fear or try to control the universe (so to speak) because the universe is not ours to control...nothing is except to love our families and to laugh as often as possible.
I shared the lyrics to the song above for anyone who wants to read them.
Tuesday, May 14, 2013
Wednesday, April 24, 2013
Ladybugs
I have not written a post in quite awhile..I have been busy and have not felt the urge to write anything new. I went thru radiation treatments and completed them last week on Wednesday. It was an experience that made me grow even more in my faith and I also made new friends. My final day was a celebration. I gave my doctor a bottle of bubbly and my tech I gave a card with movie passes. The tech, Phil, made a point to be there everyday for my treatment, he also cheered me on thru the microphone since he could not be in the room with me. He cut out a hole in my mask for my eyes and nose so I did not feel claustrophobic. I got the best care! So on my final afternoon, I was sitting in the waiting room talking with a family I had befriended, their son is going thru 60 radiation treatments for neck cancer he is having a tough battle but winning! I figured the final day was more for me to celebrate, I did not ask my husband to be there however, he showed up surprising me with roses and a card. He sat and waited for me as I received my final treatment. It was wonderful. I remember hugging him in the parking lot and we were silent. This is it...no more.
On the way home he picked me up a ice cream cake, it was a lady bug shape. I had given cards to my docs with ladybugs on them too. A ladybug is a symbol of good luck and if one lands on you it is to bring you good health. I had one land on me one day not too long ago while cooking dinner in my kitchen. I immediately looked up the meaning and prayed it be true!
So my husband knew the ladybug cake would be fitting.
I have slowly regained my strength this past week, there are some funky side effects I am dealing with but just taking day by day.
I took my son to school yesterday and I was the worker parent, which means I am to help bring snack for the kids and to also help out on the playground while the parents meet for a parent talk.
The teacher Leslie told me that the day was a study on ladybugs and she had containers of them. I was so happy to see all the ladybugs crawling about in the cups. The kids were so excited about them too. Leslie came over to me at one point and said, "Ok time to let them go!" So we took the lids from the cups and one by one we watched the ladybugs crawl up and out of the cup. Each one flew away on its own. Leslie said to me, "there are a couple that are dead in there so we need to get rid of them." she dumped the cup and actually the ladybugs were alive! They surprised us by flipping over upright and flying away. I told her about how ladybugs have a special meaning to me and she teared up. What a great moment!
I am continuing my fight and living my life. Time to spread my wings and fly towards the future God has in store for me! God Bless!
On the way home he picked me up a ice cream cake, it was a lady bug shape. I had given cards to my docs with ladybugs on them too. A ladybug is a symbol of good luck and if one lands on you it is to bring you good health. I had one land on me one day not too long ago while cooking dinner in my kitchen. I immediately looked up the meaning and prayed it be true!
So my husband knew the ladybug cake would be fitting.
I have slowly regained my strength this past week, there are some funky side effects I am dealing with but just taking day by day.
I took my son to school yesterday and I was the worker parent, which means I am to help bring snack for the kids and to also help out on the playground while the parents meet for a parent talk.
The teacher Leslie told me that the day was a study on ladybugs and she had containers of them. I was so happy to see all the ladybugs crawling about in the cups. The kids were so excited about them too. Leslie came over to me at one point and said, "Ok time to let them go!" So we took the lids from the cups and one by one we watched the ladybugs crawl up and out of the cup. Each one flew away on its own. Leslie said to me, "there are a couple that are dead in there so we need to get rid of them." she dumped the cup and actually the ladybugs were alive! They surprised us by flipping over upright and flying away. I told her about how ladybugs have a special meaning to me and she teared up. What a great moment!
I am continuing my fight and living my life. Time to spread my wings and fly towards the future God has in store for me! God Bless!
Monday, February 11, 2013
Special Understanding
My final chemotherapy was this past Friday. I did not leave in victory nor did the nurse write on the bag 'Final Chemo' with a smiley face. I did however leave with a smile and a sense of peace, time to move forward.
I did not have even six months time to heal from the prior treatment and during the 'break' in between treatments I feared for the worse to happen. The worse did occur, it came back, and thankfully the Lord heard my plea for help because it is now gone.
I told my husband today, "I am DONE." My bones, muscles, brain and spirit are done. I want to now enjoy each day that the Lord grants to me.
Tonight, I held my son in my arms while listening to a soundtrack filled with piano music and birds. He rubbed his eyes and slowly drifted off to sleep as I cradled him like a newborn. I do this each night and some nights I baptize him with tears. I may not be able to run after him or take care of him every day like I had hoped to do when I first became a mom but no one can take away the fact that I am his mother. I have learned to let go and allow others to help raise him. He has formed relationships with other people and I believe this has helped him develop into the little person he has become today.
Who is my little boy? He is kind. He is gentle. He is devoted. He is goofy. He loves. I see a smile on his face as he greets me when I enter the room. He always wraps his arms tight around me and says, "I love you." If this was not a blessing to work hard for these past couple of years I don't know what it could be. A couple of years ago I was tired, a new mom, I had a young infant needing all of my attention and I took it for granted. I was concerned with schedules and getting the house in order, which is fine to do however when one gets lost in only the timeline of a day and the thoughts are only on tomorrow there is a problem. The blessing I received from cancer and from my Lord is being able to realize this life is not forever. Our children do grow up, fast. We do grow old, quickly. The seasons pass like the speed of light. We need to appreciate everyday, every moment, every second. It is more than likely easier for those who have experienced tragedy in their life or for those who have faced death to understand this better than those who may not have. Why do I make this assumption? Because before I faced death I did not think about the moment I was in. I was setting my time up for the next day. I was the squirrel putting her nuts in the nest for the winter. As I scurried to get things done my infant son was growing up and my family was growing older. I did not realize both of my grandfathers would pass away in the same year as I faced treatment. A friend of mine would also face her demise and I would have to say good-bye to her as well. In the mornings now I hate jumping out of bed and running around the house like a bomb is set to go off, I like to ease myself up, even with a two year old yelling 'mama' in the next room I still take my time. I say good morning to God and thank him for another day. I say good morning to my husband and my dog then off we go into another world filled with adventure and lessons to be learned sent from above. The most amazing thing to this too is that we still get to our appointments on time and my heart rate is not skyrocketing. It is a better way to live!
I believe the Bible also wants for us to appreciate each moment, as it states in Matthew 6:25-28 ' Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or what you will wear. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothes? Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? Can any one of you by worrying add a single house to your life? And why do you worry about clothes? See how the flowers of the field grow? They do not labor or spin."
The point being enjoy life!!! Thank for the good Lord for each day!!!
I did not have even six months time to heal from the prior treatment and during the 'break' in between treatments I feared for the worse to happen. The worse did occur, it came back, and thankfully the Lord heard my plea for help because it is now gone.
I told my husband today, "I am DONE." My bones, muscles, brain and spirit are done. I want to now enjoy each day that the Lord grants to me.
Tonight, I held my son in my arms while listening to a soundtrack filled with piano music and birds. He rubbed his eyes and slowly drifted off to sleep as I cradled him like a newborn. I do this each night and some nights I baptize him with tears. I may not be able to run after him or take care of him every day like I had hoped to do when I first became a mom but no one can take away the fact that I am his mother. I have learned to let go and allow others to help raise him. He has formed relationships with other people and I believe this has helped him develop into the little person he has become today.
Who is my little boy? He is kind. He is gentle. He is devoted. He is goofy. He loves. I see a smile on his face as he greets me when I enter the room. He always wraps his arms tight around me and says, "I love you." If this was not a blessing to work hard for these past couple of years I don't know what it could be. A couple of years ago I was tired, a new mom, I had a young infant needing all of my attention and I took it for granted. I was concerned with schedules and getting the house in order, which is fine to do however when one gets lost in only the timeline of a day and the thoughts are only on tomorrow there is a problem. The blessing I received from cancer and from my Lord is being able to realize this life is not forever. Our children do grow up, fast. We do grow old, quickly. The seasons pass like the speed of light. We need to appreciate everyday, every moment, every second. It is more than likely easier for those who have experienced tragedy in their life or for those who have faced death to understand this better than those who may not have. Why do I make this assumption? Because before I faced death I did not think about the moment I was in. I was setting my time up for the next day. I was the squirrel putting her nuts in the nest for the winter. As I scurried to get things done my infant son was growing up and my family was growing older. I did not realize both of my grandfathers would pass away in the same year as I faced treatment. A friend of mine would also face her demise and I would have to say good-bye to her as well. In the mornings now I hate jumping out of bed and running around the house like a bomb is set to go off, I like to ease myself up, even with a two year old yelling 'mama' in the next room I still take my time. I say good morning to God and thank him for another day. I say good morning to my husband and my dog then off we go into another world filled with adventure and lessons to be learned sent from above. The most amazing thing to this too is that we still get to our appointments on time and my heart rate is not skyrocketing. It is a better way to live!
I believe the Bible also wants for us to appreciate each moment, as it states in Matthew 6:25-28 ' Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or what you will wear. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothes? Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? Can any one of you by worrying add a single house to your life? And why do you worry about clothes? See how the flowers of the field grow? They do not labor or spin."
The point being enjoy life!!! Thank for the good Lord for each day!!!
Sunday, January 27, 2013
The Best Words
One of my favorite people in the Bible is David and how his story came to be...here is a verse I heard recently in a sermon that I felt concluded my week,
"David said to Philistine, "You come against me with sword and spear and javelin, but I come against you in the name of the Lord Almighty, the God of the armies of Israel, whom you have defied." This day the Lord will hand you over to me, and I'll strike you down and cut off your head." 1 Samuel Vs. 45-46.
I found out this week from a scan that was taken of my neck and other areas of my body that the Lord has answered my prayers and the prayers of others. The radiologist wrote down on his report that the cancer that was noted just two months ago on a scan in November is no longer visible. Of course, this could mean it is now microscopic and I need to move forward with my treatments to annihilate any of the cells remaining; however, this wonderful report given just proves what the power of prayer and faith can do for someone who believes. I will be seeing my doctor tomorrow to confirm the report and of course I am nervous that perhaps a mistake was made or maybe the report was read wrong, but deep inside I know the doctor is going to greet me with positive words.
I would like to share the best statements told to me in my life:
I love you. (Cj when we were first dating)
Will You Marry Me? (My birthday when Cj proposed to me)
This is my wife Dana (Being introduced as my husband's wife)
Here is your son, congratulations mama! (From the nurse just moments after my son was born)
Mama!!! (My son screaming for me from the other room)
And finally this past weekend the best thing I heard went like this...
My husband just got home from work and was sitting on our bed reading an article on his computer. I was frustrated because our son was not napping. I was also tired from the morning, I just had the scan and knew I was in for a long weekend of wondering and waiting. I said hello to my husband and complained about the napping situation. My husband listened and then said with a strange smile, "Your scan is good."
I was caught off guard, "Huh?" I said to him.
"Your report came back early and your scan is good." He said slowly with a smile.
I was confused, the scan reports take a few days how could it be back, "You are kidding around right? I asked, "You just want to have a nice weekend right?" I said smiling.
"No, since you were the first patient they were able to process it early." He said.
I was stumped. It was good?
"How good?" I asked skeptical, unfortunately when dealing with cancer you have to be cautious of all news.
"The cancer in your neck is gone."
I was frozen with shock. Gone. It had only been two months. Gone.
The best words I have heard in a long time, the cancer is gone.
Of course my husband warned me, "We need this to be confirmed by your doctors before we celebrate too much but it is going to be OK."
We hugged and cried and I was just shocked. The Lord had led me toward this goal. I was told by other doctors to not go into treatment and to forget about it. I listened to God and he led me toward this goal. If you read my previous blogs you will see the connection and how a miracle has occurred.
So tomorrow I will be visiting with my doctor. We will wait to see what his response is and then it is time to move forward.
The best thing was said to me after such a fight from both me and my family, a fight led by God just as God led David to fight a monster of a soldier, the cancer is gone. Amen.
"David said to Philistine, "You come against me with sword and spear and javelin, but I come against you in the name of the Lord Almighty, the God of the armies of Israel, whom you have defied." This day the Lord will hand you over to me, and I'll strike you down and cut off your head." 1 Samuel Vs. 45-46.
I found out this week from a scan that was taken of my neck and other areas of my body that the Lord has answered my prayers and the prayers of others. The radiologist wrote down on his report that the cancer that was noted just two months ago on a scan in November is no longer visible. Of course, this could mean it is now microscopic and I need to move forward with my treatments to annihilate any of the cells remaining; however, this wonderful report given just proves what the power of prayer and faith can do for someone who believes. I will be seeing my doctor tomorrow to confirm the report and of course I am nervous that perhaps a mistake was made or maybe the report was read wrong, but deep inside I know the doctor is going to greet me with positive words.
I would like to share the best statements told to me in my life:
I love you. (Cj when we were first dating)
Will You Marry Me? (My birthday when Cj proposed to me)
This is my wife Dana (Being introduced as my husband's wife)
Here is your son, congratulations mama! (From the nurse just moments after my son was born)
Mama!!! (My son screaming for me from the other room)
And finally this past weekend the best thing I heard went like this...
My husband just got home from work and was sitting on our bed reading an article on his computer. I was frustrated because our son was not napping. I was also tired from the morning, I just had the scan and knew I was in for a long weekend of wondering and waiting. I said hello to my husband and complained about the napping situation. My husband listened and then said with a strange smile, "Your scan is good."
I was caught off guard, "Huh?" I said to him.
"Your report came back early and your scan is good." He said slowly with a smile.
I was confused, the scan reports take a few days how could it be back, "You are kidding around right? I asked, "You just want to have a nice weekend right?" I said smiling.
"No, since you were the first patient they were able to process it early." He said.
I was stumped. It was good?
"How good?" I asked skeptical, unfortunately when dealing with cancer you have to be cautious of all news.
"The cancer in your neck is gone."
I was frozen with shock. Gone. It had only been two months. Gone.
The best words I have heard in a long time, the cancer is gone.
Of course my husband warned me, "We need this to be confirmed by your doctors before we celebrate too much but it is going to be OK."
We hugged and cried and I was just shocked. The Lord had led me toward this goal. I was told by other doctors to not go into treatment and to forget about it. I listened to God and he led me toward this goal. If you read my previous blogs you will see the connection and how a miracle has occurred.
So tomorrow I will be visiting with my doctor. We will wait to see what his response is and then it is time to move forward.
The best thing was said to me after such a fight from both me and my family, a fight led by God just as God led David to fight a monster of a soldier, the cancer is gone. Amen.
Saturday, December 22, 2012
Rules to Live By
Matthew Ch 7 Vs. 7-8 'Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you. For everyone who asks receives; he who seeks finds; and to him who knocks, the door will be opened to."
Most people right now during the holiday season are bustling about shopping trying to finish their lists of items they know their relatives will want to see under the tree. The kids are sitting at the dining room table asking Santa for toys and maybe for some things to be delivered for mom and dad since they love them so much. The stores are blasting away items that will be now put on sale because there are only so many days left until Christmas...time is ticking...shop now! The entire process can require some to be put on high blood pressure meds or drive some to start a habit of having a cocktail or two just to calm themselves down. The season is wonderful with all of those things mentioned above; however, I have found this season my list of requests are not to Santa or to my family, but they are to God.
The things I hope for are not made in China or can be delivered by UPS, although I do love a nice pair of sunglasses or box of yummy chocolates. The one who can deliver them is God. However, I need to ask Him for these things. These wonderful things that will give my body, mind, and spirit the balance it needs to get through the rest of my long life. There are only five things I am asking for and here they are...
Knowledge
Patience
Wisdom
Love
Understanding
These things I will practice each day...kind of like yoga...one may never be perfect at it but it is the practice that makes it wonderful.
The definitions of these goes as follows....
Knowledge: In God and in Faith. Faith in God is what will help me through life and ultimately enter me into Heaven with God, not necessarily good acts.
Patience: In God's Promises...which leads me to needing to have Faith.
Wisdom: In God's Word and in facing situations that seem bigger than myself; however, no problem is greater than He.
Love: to help others and to be a witness of love because that is what God is...He is Love...couldn't this world use a bit more of it?
Understanding: Understanding through Faith and guidance from God. Also to have understanding of others in this world.
We may not be able to change others who can disappoint us or make us sad or angry, we may not be able to change situations but if we have understanding from God then it will lead us to accept all things which leads us back to Love, Wisdom, Patience, and Knowledge.
The body is a machine that is made up mind, body and spirit. In order for it to work all of these things need to be connected and balanced. If you ask God for these five things this Christmas it will ultimately connect the three main components that make you thrive and live with God. It will make your world a more peaceful and acceptable place.
As those who dash out to the crowded shopping malls with good intentions this weekend and to those who are planning sumptuous meals to serve to the tired wore out family having traveled many miles for this holiday let us all love one another and have patience and understanding...and of course acceptance for who each of us are. Amen.
Most people right now during the holiday season are bustling about shopping trying to finish their lists of items they know their relatives will want to see under the tree. The kids are sitting at the dining room table asking Santa for toys and maybe for some things to be delivered for mom and dad since they love them so much. The stores are blasting away items that will be now put on sale because there are only so many days left until Christmas...time is ticking...shop now! The entire process can require some to be put on high blood pressure meds or drive some to start a habit of having a cocktail or two just to calm themselves down. The season is wonderful with all of those things mentioned above; however, I have found this season my list of requests are not to Santa or to my family, but they are to God.
The things I hope for are not made in China or can be delivered by UPS, although I do love a nice pair of sunglasses or box of yummy chocolates. The one who can deliver them is God. However, I need to ask Him for these things. These wonderful things that will give my body, mind, and spirit the balance it needs to get through the rest of my long life. There are only five things I am asking for and here they are...
Knowledge
Patience
Wisdom
Love
Understanding
These things I will practice each day...kind of like yoga...one may never be perfect at it but it is the practice that makes it wonderful.
The definitions of these goes as follows....
Knowledge: In God and in Faith. Faith in God is what will help me through life and ultimately enter me into Heaven with God, not necessarily good acts.
Patience: In God's Promises...which leads me to needing to have Faith.
Wisdom: In God's Word and in facing situations that seem bigger than myself; however, no problem is greater than He.
Love: to help others and to be a witness of love because that is what God is...He is Love...couldn't this world use a bit more of it?
Understanding: Understanding through Faith and guidance from God. Also to have understanding of others in this world.
We may not be able to change others who can disappoint us or make us sad or angry, we may not be able to change situations but if we have understanding from God then it will lead us to accept all things which leads us back to Love, Wisdom, Patience, and Knowledge.
The body is a machine that is made up mind, body and spirit. In order for it to work all of these things need to be connected and balanced. If you ask God for these five things this Christmas it will ultimately connect the three main components that make you thrive and live with God. It will make your world a more peaceful and acceptable place.
As those who dash out to the crowded shopping malls with good intentions this weekend and to those who are planning sumptuous meals to serve to the tired wore out family having traveled many miles for this holiday let us all love one another and have patience and understanding...and of course acceptance for who each of us are. Amen.
Sunday, December 2, 2012
Uncertainties
Trust in the Lord with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding. Proverbs 3:5
Panic, confusion, despair...these things I felt all of this week as the doctor's collaborated on trying to figure out what to do with me. I am an unusual case...cancer came back but in the collarbone region. How is that possible? What do we do? Surgery? Radiation? Chemotherapy? How about all of the above?
My doctor called with my scan results and mentioned there are two areas in my neck that need to be annihilated. I was so ecstatic to hear that it had not spread to a distant area in my body, in particular my organs. However, we only had so much time before that would occur. The doctor told me he needed to figure out some things then would get back to me the very next day.
I was so excited to know it was probably going to be an easy fix, surgery remove the nodes then a little bit of radiation and chemo. Whew! Easy piece of cake!
Well I was wrong...very wrong.
A couple of days later I was at lunch with a friend when my phone rang a couple of times. The first time it was my doctors' nurse scheduling for me to come in to see him the next day. I told her that I could not come in because I had my son, I do not take my son to doctors appointments. She said in a harsh tone, "We are trying to save your life, please figure out something quick." My heart pounded...the panic started to creep in. I said, "Ok well I cannot come in at that time, please figure out another time that afternoon." She hung up and later called me with an evening appointment.
My friend meanwhile was talking to me about looking into other treatment facilities, yet my mind was hung up on what the nurse had said, "We are trying to save your life." Very scary.
My phone rang again it was the chemotherapy lounge nurse, "Hi we have you down for this Friday at 1:30 for your first infusion." I was stumped, what about surgery? Radiation? "Uh OK." I said confused. I got off the phone and looked at my friend dumbfounded, "What the heck is going on." She encouraged me to go home and call my doctor and then insisted I call this other facility. I suddenly just lost it, as I put my tip on the table I said to her and to myself, "You know all I wanted was a nice lunch not cancer talk." I got up and walked out of the restaurant and went to the elevators to get me to the parking garage. My friend came after me and asked, "Are you OK?" I was crying by this point and said, "No I am not, you at least get to go home to your family and not worry about things like this...I just want a day off!" I was frustrated and of course my hormones were being shut off again so it did not help.
I remember sitting outside with her crying helplessly, something was wrong, my doctor was going to tell me something bad. I just knew it.
As I drove home my phone rang and it was another doctor's office scheduling me for a second opinion. Before I took the call I noticed I was behing a truck that said, "Jesus is the reason for the season." To me that was a sign...always is. The phone rang and the assistant to one of the main oncologists from a local university was on the other end. She had an appointment for me right before I was to drive up to see my oncologist. It is amazing how things work out.
I got home and called my oncologist still quite confused about why I was not being offered surgery and radiation. If we were only going the chemo route that scared me. That means I only have so many more options left in this battle.
My doctor answered and said, "We are going to try to shrink down the areas first, then radiation." I did not like what I was hearing...leave the cancer in my body? Doesn't that mean it can spread while trying to treat it...what if the medicine does not work? I was scared and mad.
"What about surgery?" I asked him...he brushed it off with, "Too many spots for that we have to start treatment now."
We got off the phone and I sat there wondering why I was not offered surgery first. I decided to call a head and neck surgeon to see what their opinion might be.
I got through to a head and neck surgeon in fact he was head of the department and knows my husband. He had looked at my scan and looked at my report and his answer was, "We can operate, I can have you in the OR next week but I think you have a larger problem at hand here." I listened to him slowly starting to feel fear creep in, "You have several lymph nodes involved not just two and you have to get medicine into your system...surgery would just prolong it." So he could operate, it would be a tough operation but I figured out surgery is not always the answer to these problems.
I thanked him for his time and sat down stumped, I am terminal? Is that what I am? How can that be when it is not in an organ but in a place that can be taken out of.
My husband called me next, "Honey is this a bad situation" I asked him.
He paused and said, "You are in a tough spot, if the medicine does not work then yes it is not good." I started to cry. I asked him, "Would you consider me terminal?" He calmed me down and said, "No you are not terminal we just need to shrink those areas down." I felt better but still I did not trust these meds...they did not work before how are they going to work again. I felt like maybe the other doctor, the second opinion would be able to help us or give us a better solution.
The next day we went to our first doctor's visit for the second opinion. I was quite nervous for i had heard this doctor is tough and is a woman who is quite direct. I think the women in the medical field can be more tough than the men.
We got called in and waited until she finally came into the room. She was a lovely tall woman who had a certain sharpness about her. She went over my report and then asked, "Has anyone called you stage iv yet? " I looked at her stumped, "Uh No." She made a "Hmmm" noise as she looked at my paperwork. I told her, "My doctor still considers me early and that this is a regional recurrence. He would like to treat with chemo first." She stopped and kinda looked at me funny and said, "Well we shall see about that." She examined me and then said, "I would want a CT Scan done on you although you have already had a scan I am sure the CT will bring up cancer in areas the PET did not show." I froze in fear, "What?" I asked and looked at my husband...he knew the lingo better than me.
"I thought the PET was a good scan." I said. She nodded and said, "It is but the CT will get an even closer look at your organs and more than likely this has spread to those areas and is not showing up on the PET." She then said, "You are considered non-responsive to the meds, you had the toughest meds and it came back less than six months after treatment. You are very resistant and to try another chemo does not give you a good chance it will get the cells." I felt hopeless.
"I would remove your ovaries and then put you on a anti hormone drug." She then looked up from her computer and said, "Why put yourself through the chemo again...it is tough to endure." I did not argue with her and wondered if she was right. I was going to remove my ovaries anyhow.
"You have a nasty cancer and it is aggressive, you have to make the right choice." She then said she was going to call my doctor to talk with him about the treatment plan. We waited..I looked at my husband, "I thought the PET scan was good." He looked irritated, "It is...don't worry about it if something were there it would show up."
The doctor knew my oncologist well, they had worked together for many years...she came back into the room, "Well I spoke with Jon and he is certain the treatment plan is the way to go...I think that is fine." I was confused, she had changed her tune. She sat down, "Early stage situations like yours are tough because we have to figure out the right way." She was all of a sudden calling me early stage. She looked at me, "Just know the meds he is giving you I would not offer, one in particular the FDA is no longer wanting to be used in breast cancer so there is a risk." I nodded. We wrapped up our session with her and walked out of the office. I was confused, did God want me to go with her advice or was my doctor the better option? As we were walking into the lobby a wooden sign hung up on the way said, "Faith" right next to the exit door. It was a sign I needed to use my faith. Trust God. Do not lean on my own understanding.
The drive up was rainy and we were picking apart what the doctor said. It was good information and I knew what we needed to do. As we drove up I kept seeing crosses on the back of cars and fish stickers. One car said "Fumigation Necessary!" With a cross next to it. I thought, "well if that is not a sign what is?" I was confused as to what to do but I need to allow God to control the situation.
We saw my doctor and he is hoping to shrink the tumors down, he is using meds that the FDA recently pulled but he believes in them so much he is willing to use them on me.
"If we can get the tumors down then we can radiate them." He said to me. He has hope...I need to follow that hope.
"You will need to have your ovaries removed once we are finished." He confirmed. I was OK with that. If I were to have another baby it would kill me. It would not be fair to my husband or my son.
We left feeling more hopeful although I was hesitant about the meds...however, got to lean not on my understanding but God's.
The next day we drove up to receive my first chemo treatment. I was not scared or fearful...I felt calm. I put my emotions and uncertainties on God. We pulled up to the parking lot and as we got out I started to feel a bit of dread, is this the right thing to do? I got out of the car looked at the car next to me and in the side passenger window hung a red cross. It was right in front of my line of vision. It is a sign, this is what I need to do.
The last part of this story happens in the lounge. We are waiting to be let in for my treatment. I see a stack of local newspapers to read. I pick one up and on the front cover is a photo of the WWII plane that dropped the bombs in Japan. Those bombs saved my grandfather's life. He was on his way to the mainland after having fought on the island of Okinawa for several weeks. I was dumbfounded, I often compare my fight with my grandfather's fight. I even told my husband a couple of weeks prior that we need the bombs that saved my grandfather's life to drop for my life to be saved, meaning the same situation to occur...my grandfather was writing out his will as the boats headed to the mainland Japan. He knew if they had to fight the battle there he did not have a chance. The bombs dropped and he was saved. In fact, my grandmother, his wife, was part of the project that created those bombs. Now here I am staring at a story about the plane that dropped those bombs. It was an odd coincidence. Please tell me this is a sign this med is the bomb that will kill these tumors and I can be spared.
All in good time...only God knows and I will lean on him.
Panic, confusion, despair...these things I felt all of this week as the doctor's collaborated on trying to figure out what to do with me. I am an unusual case...cancer came back but in the collarbone region. How is that possible? What do we do? Surgery? Radiation? Chemotherapy? How about all of the above?
My doctor called with my scan results and mentioned there are two areas in my neck that need to be annihilated. I was so ecstatic to hear that it had not spread to a distant area in my body, in particular my organs. However, we only had so much time before that would occur. The doctor told me he needed to figure out some things then would get back to me the very next day.
I was so excited to know it was probably going to be an easy fix, surgery remove the nodes then a little bit of radiation and chemo. Whew! Easy piece of cake!
Well I was wrong...very wrong.
A couple of days later I was at lunch with a friend when my phone rang a couple of times. The first time it was my doctors' nurse scheduling for me to come in to see him the next day. I told her that I could not come in because I had my son, I do not take my son to doctors appointments. She said in a harsh tone, "We are trying to save your life, please figure out something quick." My heart pounded...the panic started to creep in. I said, "Ok well I cannot come in at that time, please figure out another time that afternoon." She hung up and later called me with an evening appointment.
My friend meanwhile was talking to me about looking into other treatment facilities, yet my mind was hung up on what the nurse had said, "We are trying to save your life." Very scary.
My phone rang again it was the chemotherapy lounge nurse, "Hi we have you down for this Friday at 1:30 for your first infusion." I was stumped, what about surgery? Radiation? "Uh OK." I said confused. I got off the phone and looked at my friend dumbfounded, "What the heck is going on." She encouraged me to go home and call my doctor and then insisted I call this other facility. I suddenly just lost it, as I put my tip on the table I said to her and to myself, "You know all I wanted was a nice lunch not cancer talk." I got up and walked out of the restaurant and went to the elevators to get me to the parking garage. My friend came after me and asked, "Are you OK?" I was crying by this point and said, "No I am not, you at least get to go home to your family and not worry about things like this...I just want a day off!" I was frustrated and of course my hormones were being shut off again so it did not help.
I remember sitting outside with her crying helplessly, something was wrong, my doctor was going to tell me something bad. I just knew it.
As I drove home my phone rang and it was another doctor's office scheduling me for a second opinion. Before I took the call I noticed I was behing a truck that said, "Jesus is the reason for the season." To me that was a sign...always is. The phone rang and the assistant to one of the main oncologists from a local university was on the other end. She had an appointment for me right before I was to drive up to see my oncologist. It is amazing how things work out.
I got home and called my oncologist still quite confused about why I was not being offered surgery and radiation. If we were only going the chemo route that scared me. That means I only have so many more options left in this battle.
My doctor answered and said, "We are going to try to shrink down the areas first, then radiation." I did not like what I was hearing...leave the cancer in my body? Doesn't that mean it can spread while trying to treat it...what if the medicine does not work? I was scared and mad.
"What about surgery?" I asked him...he brushed it off with, "Too many spots for that we have to start treatment now."
We got off the phone and I sat there wondering why I was not offered surgery first. I decided to call a head and neck surgeon to see what their opinion might be.
I got through to a head and neck surgeon in fact he was head of the department and knows my husband. He had looked at my scan and looked at my report and his answer was, "We can operate, I can have you in the OR next week but I think you have a larger problem at hand here." I listened to him slowly starting to feel fear creep in, "You have several lymph nodes involved not just two and you have to get medicine into your system...surgery would just prolong it." So he could operate, it would be a tough operation but I figured out surgery is not always the answer to these problems.
I thanked him for his time and sat down stumped, I am terminal? Is that what I am? How can that be when it is not in an organ but in a place that can be taken out of.
My husband called me next, "Honey is this a bad situation" I asked him.
He paused and said, "You are in a tough spot, if the medicine does not work then yes it is not good." I started to cry. I asked him, "Would you consider me terminal?" He calmed me down and said, "No you are not terminal we just need to shrink those areas down." I felt better but still I did not trust these meds...they did not work before how are they going to work again. I felt like maybe the other doctor, the second opinion would be able to help us or give us a better solution.
The next day we went to our first doctor's visit for the second opinion. I was quite nervous for i had heard this doctor is tough and is a woman who is quite direct. I think the women in the medical field can be more tough than the men.
We got called in and waited until she finally came into the room. She was a lovely tall woman who had a certain sharpness about her. She went over my report and then asked, "Has anyone called you stage iv yet? " I looked at her stumped, "Uh No." She made a "Hmmm" noise as she looked at my paperwork. I told her, "My doctor still considers me early and that this is a regional recurrence. He would like to treat with chemo first." She stopped and kinda looked at me funny and said, "Well we shall see about that." She examined me and then said, "I would want a CT Scan done on you although you have already had a scan I am sure the CT will bring up cancer in areas the PET did not show." I froze in fear, "What?" I asked and looked at my husband...he knew the lingo better than me.
"I thought the PET was a good scan." I said. She nodded and said, "It is but the CT will get an even closer look at your organs and more than likely this has spread to those areas and is not showing up on the PET." She then said, "You are considered non-responsive to the meds, you had the toughest meds and it came back less than six months after treatment. You are very resistant and to try another chemo does not give you a good chance it will get the cells." I felt hopeless.
"I would remove your ovaries and then put you on a anti hormone drug." She then looked up from her computer and said, "Why put yourself through the chemo again...it is tough to endure." I did not argue with her and wondered if she was right. I was going to remove my ovaries anyhow.
"You have a nasty cancer and it is aggressive, you have to make the right choice." She then said she was going to call my doctor to talk with him about the treatment plan. We waited..I looked at my husband, "I thought the PET scan was good." He looked irritated, "It is...don't worry about it if something were there it would show up."
The doctor knew my oncologist well, they had worked together for many years...she came back into the room, "Well I spoke with Jon and he is certain the treatment plan is the way to go...I think that is fine." I was confused, she had changed her tune. She sat down, "Early stage situations like yours are tough because we have to figure out the right way." She was all of a sudden calling me early stage. She looked at me, "Just know the meds he is giving you I would not offer, one in particular the FDA is no longer wanting to be used in breast cancer so there is a risk." I nodded. We wrapped up our session with her and walked out of the office. I was confused, did God want me to go with her advice or was my doctor the better option? As we were walking into the lobby a wooden sign hung up on the way said, "Faith" right next to the exit door. It was a sign I needed to use my faith. Trust God. Do not lean on my own understanding.
The drive up was rainy and we were picking apart what the doctor said. It was good information and I knew what we needed to do. As we drove up I kept seeing crosses on the back of cars and fish stickers. One car said "Fumigation Necessary!" With a cross next to it. I thought, "well if that is not a sign what is?" I was confused as to what to do but I need to allow God to control the situation.
We saw my doctor and he is hoping to shrink the tumors down, he is using meds that the FDA recently pulled but he believes in them so much he is willing to use them on me.
"If we can get the tumors down then we can radiate them." He said to me. He has hope...I need to follow that hope.
"You will need to have your ovaries removed once we are finished." He confirmed. I was OK with that. If I were to have another baby it would kill me. It would not be fair to my husband or my son.
We left feeling more hopeful although I was hesitant about the meds...however, got to lean not on my understanding but God's.
The next day we drove up to receive my first chemo treatment. I was not scared or fearful...I felt calm. I put my emotions and uncertainties on God. We pulled up to the parking lot and as we got out I started to feel a bit of dread, is this the right thing to do? I got out of the car looked at the car next to me and in the side passenger window hung a red cross. It was right in front of my line of vision. It is a sign, this is what I need to do.
The last part of this story happens in the lounge. We are waiting to be let in for my treatment. I see a stack of local newspapers to read. I pick one up and on the front cover is a photo of the WWII plane that dropped the bombs in Japan. Those bombs saved my grandfather's life. He was on his way to the mainland after having fought on the island of Okinawa for several weeks. I was dumbfounded, I often compare my fight with my grandfather's fight. I even told my husband a couple of weeks prior that we need the bombs that saved my grandfather's life to drop for my life to be saved, meaning the same situation to occur...my grandfather was writing out his will as the boats headed to the mainland Japan. He knew if they had to fight the battle there he did not have a chance. The bombs dropped and he was saved. In fact, my grandmother, his wife, was part of the project that created those bombs. Now here I am staring at a story about the plane that dropped those bombs. It was an odd coincidence. Please tell me this is a sign this med is the bomb that will kill these tumors and I can be spared.
All in good time...only God knows and I will lean on him.
Tuesday, November 27, 2012
24 Hours to Live
Matthew 6: 27-29 Can all your worries add a single moment to your life? And why worry about your clothing? Look at the lilies of the field and how they grow. They don't work or make their clothing, yet Soloman in all his glory was not dressed as beautifully as they are."
As we start our new battle and the ammunition is being evaluated and ordered I am coming to terms with my new life. I used to be a 'regular person'. What do I mean by 'regular person'? Well, I mean that I used to drive home in traffic and groan about how late I was going to be for class or getting somewhere important. I used to plan the weekends on Tuesday afternoons and think about all the things that needed to get done around the house. I did not have to worry about wearing a hat to cover my head because my hair was long and I could brush it, now it is just a big ball of fuzz. I used to complain about the small stuff and hold grudges against those that really did not need to be made such a deal about. I lost friendships because of my near sightedness. I was human and I am still human, just with a chronic condition.
I went to see my counselor today and she asked me, "How can you live with the idea of having terminal cancer." I looked at her alarmed, "I don't have terminal cancer." I replied.
She nodded and said, "I know but what if you did, how would you react to that information?"
I sat there stumped. I then replied, "Well I guess then I would just deal with it." I then realized there are many people living with terminal illness's like cancer today that are 'regular people' too. They just have to stay on top of their physical well being.
I never used to have to worry about my physical self. I used to complain about gaining weight here or there but for the most part I could eat whatever and be whatever.
My counselor then asked, "What if you only had 24 hours to live, what would you do?" I thought about it and replied, "I would take my family to Disneyland and eat all the best food possible and enjoy myself." I then started to cry, she said, "Then you need to do that now, even if you are not terminally ill, you need to live your life even with this hanging over your head."
I started to cry and said, "I did do that and have been doing that, in fact we took my son to Disneyland this summer." I laughed and said, "Everyone kept telling my husband, he is too young to wait another couple of years but we don't have the luxury to do that." My counselor then prodded me, "Do you think anyone really has the luxury to wait until their child is older?" I thought about it and said, "No I guess not." She smiled and said, "We only have today, all of us, some of us have tougher roads to walk then others but we all have the same circumstances."
The point is, don't wait until your child is four to go to Disneyland because that is when they will be tall enough to ride the rides, go when you feel like it, because you may not have that chance when your child is four. If you feel like traveling with your child to Europe (OK a bit of a stretch here for the young toddler parents) then go for it because who knows what next year holds. We all are on the same boat heading for the same destination, live it as abundantly as you possibly can.
I have decided that I do have a chronic health issue, it comes and goes but I need to take care of it when it is here..like that pesky relative that comes to visit on occasion. I have been sad and hoping to go back to being the girl who used to blare her horn at the slow person in front of her but really I would say I like the person I am now and now is the time to live.
As we start our new battle and the ammunition is being evaluated and ordered I am coming to terms with my new life. I used to be a 'regular person'. What do I mean by 'regular person'? Well, I mean that I used to drive home in traffic and groan about how late I was going to be for class or getting somewhere important. I used to plan the weekends on Tuesday afternoons and think about all the things that needed to get done around the house. I did not have to worry about wearing a hat to cover my head because my hair was long and I could brush it, now it is just a big ball of fuzz. I used to complain about the small stuff and hold grudges against those that really did not need to be made such a deal about. I lost friendships because of my near sightedness. I was human and I am still human, just with a chronic condition.
I went to see my counselor today and she asked me, "How can you live with the idea of having terminal cancer." I looked at her alarmed, "I don't have terminal cancer." I replied.
She nodded and said, "I know but what if you did, how would you react to that information?"
I sat there stumped. I then replied, "Well I guess then I would just deal with it." I then realized there are many people living with terminal illness's like cancer today that are 'regular people' too. They just have to stay on top of their physical well being.
I never used to have to worry about my physical self. I used to complain about gaining weight here or there but for the most part I could eat whatever and be whatever.
My counselor then asked, "What if you only had 24 hours to live, what would you do?" I thought about it and replied, "I would take my family to Disneyland and eat all the best food possible and enjoy myself." I then started to cry, she said, "Then you need to do that now, even if you are not terminally ill, you need to live your life even with this hanging over your head."
I started to cry and said, "I did do that and have been doing that, in fact we took my son to Disneyland this summer." I laughed and said, "Everyone kept telling my husband, he is too young to wait another couple of years but we don't have the luxury to do that." My counselor then prodded me, "Do you think anyone really has the luxury to wait until their child is older?" I thought about it and said, "No I guess not." She smiled and said, "We only have today, all of us, some of us have tougher roads to walk then others but we all have the same circumstances."
The point is, don't wait until your child is four to go to Disneyland because that is when they will be tall enough to ride the rides, go when you feel like it, because you may not have that chance when your child is four. If you feel like traveling with your child to Europe (OK a bit of a stretch here for the young toddler parents) then go for it because who knows what next year holds. We all are on the same boat heading for the same destination, live it as abundantly as you possibly can.
I have decided that I do have a chronic health issue, it comes and goes but I need to take care of it when it is here..like that pesky relative that comes to visit on occasion. I have been sad and hoping to go back to being the girl who used to blare her horn at the slow person in front of her but really I would say I like the person I am now and now is the time to live.
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