The End?

Psalm 62 vs. 8 'Trust in Him at all times, O people; pour out your hearts to Him, for God is our refuge.'

The journey started almost a year ago. It started in the Fall just before Thanksgiving. I had in my calendar plans to pick up a turkey at the local grocery store, recipes for delicious side dishes, trying to figure out who was going to come to dinner. The concerns of everyday life were going through my head until I showed up for a follow up visit to the radiologist. I almost cancelled the appointment thinking how unnecessary it was since I already had multiple opinions on what the large lump in my right side could be. I was unprepared for the sudden change in my everyday routine. The sun even looked different with how it shined down on me. It seemed to cast shadows, of doubt. I remember leaving the appointment sobbing as I pushed my one year son in his stroller to the car. A friend of mine came along to manage my son while I was in with the doctor. She tried her best to keep me focused on the positive side, it will be okay were the words I heard her say. I finally turned to her, poor thing, and said it is not okay something is wrong. I later apologized to her once we had gotten past the tests and other exams. A true friend will always accept and move forward with you, just as she did. I thank her for that.
The next few weeks were a blur of staying brave and feeling like I was in a black hole of despair. My husband had red eyes from crying so much yet my one year old son kept a lively spirit in our home. He was clueless as to what was happening, which I was so relieved about. The surgery was the beginning of our research as to what was happening within my body. As I recovered from surgery more tests were given and my stage was slowly being established. The PT Scan was the final test to say what stage I was at. I was truly frightened. If the scan showed cancer cells in other parts of my body I was only prolonging my life. If nothing showed up then I had a chance...not a 100 percent chance but a chance to live for awhile longer. The two days waiting for the scan results were agonizing. I felt like I was being tortured. I could not eat or concentrate. The picture of door number one or two kept playing through my head. I had NO control. This is where I found sitting on the floor next to my bed and praying to God helped the most. It would always calm me down and I could eventually get up and make dinner or watch TV. My husband called with the results and the scan was clear. We both cried. I felt like someone had given me a shot at possibly living awhile longer.
The first day of chemotherapy came upon us and I remember sitting in the lobby crying. I did not want to be bald and look frail. I was too young for this I remember thinking to myself. The nurses understood and took very good care of me. They watched over me like angels. I was given a beautiful blanket from a friend, the church she attends made it for me and blessed it. I used the blanket every time. The only time I did not use it there was an issue with the IV. I then never forgot it and it kept me safe. The days of therapy were long and really changed me. I no longer see life as I used to. I do not take for granted my days with my family or close friends. I take each moment, each breath with appreciation. It is like being reborn again.
The break in between chemo and radiation gave me a chance to heal and to feel healthy. We went to Maui and I remember sitting on the beach wondering if this was going to be my last vacation. I was in a rut of despair again. There is an unnerving feeling when treatment ends. I felt like the aggressive part of the battle has ended and now it is a waiting game. Did we win? Did we achieve the goal of killing all of the bad cells? No one knows until the next scan.
The days of radiation came with risks too and as my skin started to burn and look as if I had laid out a little too long in the sun my mental state was continuing to wonder if I was going to be okay. It has been two full months since I stopped chemo and that is a fair chance for things to come back.
The end of radiation was yesterday. As I was lifted off of the radiation table the techs all clapped and one brought out a bubble jar and blew bubbles. The 21 bubble salute she called it as bubbles floated about me. I was laughing but wanted to cry too...it has been a long road. A year. I took this one step at a time with God by my side. I am glad I did. I could not have tackled all of the treatments by trying to control things or wanting to figure out what was going to happen before it happened. I knew that everything was out of my control and I had to let go and let God. I remember walking out of the doctor's office from a three week check up and threw my hands up in the air, "I give this to you God!" I proclaimed. "I cannot do this by myself!" I remember sitting in my car crying. I did not know what was going to happen. I was bald, with someone else's hair on my head, I was tired and achy, my eyes were watering from the cytosine and the tears flowed easier because I had no eye lashes. But each time I cried or felt like I could not handle things any longer, I heard a voice. It was inside of me. It kept saying "I am here." It was a whisper. I remember it would calm me down and the voice would say, "Keep moving forward." I would then remember who I was doing this for, my family. They needed me and so I would carry on.
Yesterday as I walked out of the radiation room and into the lobby with the techs behind me to see me ring the bell, my family stood in front of me. My husband and my son were there and we rang the bell together. The end of this part of the journey is now complete. But the lessons from this journey are to be documented and remembered.

New Sister

I decided to take a moment for myself last week and get a manicure and pedicure at my favorite nail salon. I appreciate getting my nails done even more now because during chemotherapy it was forbidden, well it was frowned upon but some people still do it. I decided to not get my nails done during treatment, like a good patient. The reason it is looked down upon is because there is risk of infection. If an instrument is not sterilized and used on a hand or foot and that tool cuts someones finger or nail bed it can cause an infection. I did not want to risk that, so for the six months I was under treatment I clipped my nails short and that was it. No polish or anything fancy, I did not have the energy.
Anyhow, I arrived at the shop and sat down to enjoy my 45 minutes of pure bliss. The ladies are wonderful and have known me for about five or six years. The foot massage I enjoy the most because my feet hurt from post chemotherapy issues and massages help with the pain.
The shop was empty since it was the middle of a work day and so I was able to relax and read a magazine when a customer came in. The ladies looked up and I did too as this customer, a woman in her sixties I would guess stood in front of us with her hands on her hips and a scowl on her face. I grew curious and the other shop ladies all gave each other knowing glances. The lady then announced, "Did you know there is NO parking outside?" I was confused, how is this the shops issue. The owner of the shop, Song spoke up, "Yes, it can be tough to find parking." The lady then said, "All of your spots in back are filled and there are No spots in front of the shop, what should I do?" I was thinking fast about how I could help this lady, since she was obviously late for her appointment. I heard Song say, "I don't know, but you need to be here soon because I have another customer after you." She then offered, "You can come in tomorrow if you like?" I braced myself for the lady's reply knowing she was not going to be happy with this response, "What? Tomorrow? Oh no no I cannot do that." She grew more irate, "Song do you still want business from me? If so, then you need to tell people when they make appointments about the parking situation." She said this as she marched outside.
I looked at the ladies stunned yet kind of entertained, Song looked at me and said, "She is always like this, it will be okay."
My nails were almost done and I thought maybe I should have offered her my spot but she ran out so fast there was not a chance. Not sure if she was coming back I shook it off and returned to my magazine.
The lady came back in five minutes later, she had found parking. I tried to not stare as she ran over to Song's desk and sat down but as she was doing so telling her how she is going to lose customers.
Song and her both went at it for a bit and the other ladies tried to keep themselves busy as I sat there starting to get annoyed. This lady was so awful and mean to Song I wanted to speak up but I did not say anything.
The lady then brought me into the conversation, "This customer here must have five cars then because all five of your spots are full." She pointed at me and kept her face looking at Song.
I spoke up, "Uh, no I do not have five cars, in fact I was going to offer you my spot out front if you were needing it."
The lady did a double take and looked at me then smiled, "Oh you know what I mean, the parking is terrible!!!"
This would start a very interesting conversation between the two of us that would lead me to find out she is a Stage Three Breast Cancer survivor. Instantly we were connected and a new friendship was formed. Her story, she grew up in Coronado with a father who was a Marine Corp General in WWII. Her grandfather was also a Marine Corp General. She told me a story about how she was the first paper girl in her neighborhood. She would have to sneak out of the house in the early morning, since her parents did not look fondly upon this, and she would deliver papers. Her father finally caught on and realized the Marine Corp training he would teach her for fun she would use to escape the house. He never knew it would be used against him
 I told her about my grandfather having served in the Marine Corp during WWII. Both fought in the South Pacific theatre.  We were connected again. When the conversation turned to breast cancer we were able to help one another out with things the other did not know. She needed to know about where to buy items for women who have had mastectomies and I knew several places. She heard I was going through radiation treatments and offered to mix me up her ice remedy that helped her and drop it off. I gladly accepted. We were pals by the time I left. I know why this lady is surviving, she is tough and not willing to give up. I liked her spirit although I did not like how she treated Song at first, but Song knew how to handle her.
I have had experience with strong personality types before so this does not bother me in the least bit.
Later that day, she dropped off her ice remedy at my home. She came in and got to see my place, "So this is an original Bird Rock cottage, huh?" She asked while looking up at our vaulted cedar ceilings. "Yup." I responded proud of my home. We went on to talk about remodeling and such. She then saw my grandfather's flag from his burial and asked what that was for, "I was presented with my grandfather's flag when he passed on this past winter." I said to her knowing she would understand the significance of this. " I keep it on my mantel to remind me to stay strong and brave during my battle just as he did during his battle in WWII." I told her, "Because you know it was tough for them." She nodded and said, "Yes it was." She grew quiet out of respect it seemed and then all of sudden went on to tell me about table tennis. She plays at Balboa Park and finds it a great release and then offered to go for a walk with me sometime, "You know it is nice to be able to talk to someone about this." She said to me as she was leaving. I told her, "Yes it sure is!!" She then said," I am sorry about how I acted earlier in the salon, I think my medication is making me grouchy." I smiled knowing full well it is not her medication, "We all have been there." I said to her and then said good night. I found a new friend, a fellow sister in the fight against breast cancer.

Surviving

My treatments are coming to a close, final radiation is next week.  The past few months have been life changing to say the very least. I do not look at life the same any longer, I do not view it as a 'normal' person typically views life either. Once diagnosed with a life threatening illness all that is 'normal' is not. There is a new normal right now, surviving.  What is surviving? Well, I would say making sure all treatments have been taken into account, enjoying life to the fullest, believing in God and thanking Him for another day, learning to plan again, laughing, these are just a few of the things surviving entails.Also,  it helps to keep yourself busy and to get out and involved with activities. I asked one survivor how did she get back to life again. Her reply, "I had to work and that kept me busy everyday." I noticed when I am busy taking care of my family, in particular my son, I don't have time to focus on the scary 'what if' thoughts. Also, by the end of the day if I have kept up a pretty busy schedule I find that sleep comes easy. I do not need to take sleeping pills or any anti anxiety medicine, it is not healthy anyhow to pop a pill to ease tension. That brings me to another area of how to survive, God. Many have asked me, "How have you been able to get through this dark possibly hopeless period in your life?" My answer will always be, "God." I did have family, friends, medical teams, etc., help me but it requires strength to get up and face this Mt.Everest of a problem. I did not have such strength, until I opened my Bible and started to pray. It was the first day of knowing I had this terrible situation, will I live? Will I see my son graduate high school, heck will I see him graduate kindergarten? I was terrified. I had not turned to God really ever in my life in this way. He gave me strength. I read the Bible before bed at night and it helps calm me down and allows me to sleep. When I am in the car heading to radiation in the mornings, I talk to Him.
The other day I was leaving the house in a hurry, I felt like I had forgotten something. I patted my pockets and looked at my hands, had everything. I got into my car, but yet I still did not feel quite right, there was an empty ness. I then realized, I forgot to pray and say Good Morning to God. I then spent the next fifteen minutes praying to God thanking Him for the morning and the opportunity to get treatment. I felt a whole lot better as I arrived at radiation. I am not religious, I would say that I am quite faithful, you would be too if you saw all the things God can do, I am not one who is trying to convince people they need to believe, I have found thru this journey that becoming a Christian is not by trying to convince others to become one too, it is all based upon the relationship between you and God himself. I remember one night my husband, who proclaims he is an atheist, made a remark about my beliefs and made fun of the facts in the Bible. I kindly turned to him and said, "I support your beliefs, you need to support mine because at the end of the day when I pass on God will be the one standing before me, not you, and I need to make darn sure I have my ducks in a row before then." My husband did not have a retort. I have to say surviving without God would be scary, impossible, and just not a path in life that would help me be a positive happy person that I try to be everyday.
I start my new journey next week...no more treatments...only occasional doctor visits. The life of a survivor and not a newly diagnosed cancer patient. Time to rejoice and give thanks!!!